Tag Archives: single

Single for a reason

Months ago I prayed to God to block the entrance of any man who wasn’t my husband into my life. I was (and still am) seriously done with wasting time in the dating scene. I prayed this prayer soon after my last breakup simply because I was fed up and tired.  Exhausted to be completely honest, exhausted of falling for someone only to realize years into the relationship after I had played wifey, after the cheating, the lies, the games and the fleeting dreams of marriage and a family together that we were never meant to be.  I was tired of trying to make it work with someone who hadn’t even saw value in me to make me his wife. Tired of running into men who although they say they want to do things the God way we still somehow end up in fornication. I went through this process three times during my adult life and although it may not be a lot for some, that was more than enough for me. Granted throughout the years I was no angel in relationships although I never physically cheated I kept ‘friends’ that I knew were interested in me around, I consented to fornication with my boyfriends, feared putting all my eggs into one basket and played the little petty games that many do when dating and ultimately lost.  I suppose I grew most tired of just that, losing, always coming to the end of a relationships feeling as if I had lost a piece of me that I could never get back yet again. It’s exasperating, frustrating and most of all painful, but in my case necessary for me to reach the point where I gave the heartache, the pain and the confusion to God and focused on Him.

In the past if I broke up with someone it wasn’t long before I found another man to keep me occupied while I nursed the wounds of a broken heart.  While we wouldn’t have sex I would allow myself to form an emotional attachment with them or go out just so I wouldn’t think about my ex. Neither of these were the right thing to do, because as I wouldn’t think about the pain or loneliness while I was out having fun but it was always waiting for me at home. I wasn’t fulfilled with these outings and grew to understand that I would never be, because what I wanted was so much more than an empty relationship. Although a couple of the men wanted to take it further and date seriously, something always held me back from progressing. There was no peace in the thought of spending a lifetime with them and if I couldn’t see that then I didn’t want anything more. Ultimately I would find something I didn’t like about them so I could easily keep my distance while still going out and having fun without delving too deeply into feelings even if they had them for me, basically I was led them on, which was so wrong.

Since praying the ‘anti-counterfeit’ prayer and becoming more purposeful in who I choose to spend time with, my dating life has been, shall we say, pretty nonexistent.  I have turned down dates by men that I know aren’t for me and old familiar faces have popped up every now and then but I choose to focus on my growth at this point in my life and devote time to having a stable foundation with God while still having a ball doing life.  I live my life and try to appreciate living it solo, as there may be a time when I long for the solitude I have now. I am able to travel to different places, have fun with friends, meet new people, become more involved with the church and try to simply enjoy the days as they come. There are moments of loneliness, but I realize they are just moments and the feeling passes when I remember that I am single for a reason. My reason no longer consist of bettering myself for a husband that may or may not ever show up, but becoming the woman God wants me to be, to form a deeper relationship with Him, to grow in faith and to hear His voice so clearly that I have no doubt when He whispers which way I should go. I long for a relationship like that with God and if being unattached is what brings me closer to Him then I would have it know other way.

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God Bless,

Court

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Single for the holidays: Combating the holiday blues!

As an unmarried 37 year old woman I realize that I may have to accept that fact that God could never send my Boaz.  It’s possible that marriage and motherhood are not for me and that I have other things to do with my life for His kingdom.  Which most days I’m fine with, however, being single through the holidays has never been easy for me and can sometimes be down right depressing.  Although, I do love seeing all the happy families, newly engaged couples and baby bumps it doesn’t make handling the fact that I am once again single during a time that is best spent with those you love.  Now, don’t get me wrong I do have family which I’m grateful for, but there would be nothing better than waking up to a loving husband and the pitter patter of little feet eagerly racing to open Christmas gifts at the crack of dawn (and I am far from a morning person).  But it isn’t my story nor is it the story of many of my friends, so it’s been on my heart to write a post about combating the holiday blues and these are some of my weapons of sad destruction to help you gear up for the season!

Prepare yourself for the onslaught of affection:  There are four months out of the year that can feel like a quadruple gut punch to a single person and Thanksgiving is usually the holiday that starts it all! There’s at least one holiday each month from November to February that is best spent with those you love. Tis the season of holiday festivities, cheerful thanksgiving, gift giving, decking the halls and of course over the top PDAs. There seems to be an exorbitant amount of kissing going on in these couple of months, under the mistletoe on Valentines day and even when the clock strikes midnight.  Unless you lock yourself in the house without television, there’s just no escape. Which, if you’ve got no one to kiss, could inadvertently result in an inordinate amount of eye rolling, sighing and gagging!  Make sure  you prepare yourself by refraining from social media if possible or just telling yourself you aren’t going to let it get you down.  Sometimes if you already know what’s coming at you or what to expect it’s easier to dodge those moments of sadness that can catch you unaware.  Try to be genuinely happy for those that are receiving love, congratulate them and pray that they receive even more.

Get your arsenal of answers ready:  If your family is anything like mine, the minute you step through the door of any holiday festivities alone is an open invitation to let the questions about your love life (or lack there of) begin rapid fire.  Although, we know these questions are coming from a good place after hearing it for so long it eventually begins to be kind of annoying. It used to make me feel like a failure and slightly incomplete as a woman, like there was something wrong with me and in my case it would be on my mind for at least half the night. Unfortunately I’ve found myself ill prepared to answer the questions, especially when they’re asked in front of everyone and all eyes are on me. It’s still awkward till this day but now I make sure I have my arsenal of answers ready to shoot back.  I’ll tell them that I’m happy single, Mr. right hasn’t come along yet, I’m not up for settling and my favorite is I’m dating Jesus now! Most importantly, remember to speak the truth in love. Unfortunately, many people equate being in a relationship with happiness and singleness as being unhappy, which is often times not the case. But more than likely your friends and family are just showing concern and want you to be happy just as much as you do!

Don your festive fatigues:  No matter how down you feel, don’t look it!  If you’re invited out to a party, get off that couch, stop wallowing and start living while definitely dressing the part of someone having the time of their life.  You never know who you’ll meet while out, it could be the love of your life or it could just be some really awesome person that you bond with for an hour, but you’ll never know unless you go!  Go without the expectation of meeting someone and just have fun!  Act goofy, dance like people are watching (because most likely they are), laugh until you cry but most importantly live.  People are usually more attracted to smiling happy people a lot more so than someone who seems like they’re trying out for the role of Oscar the grouch.

Mentally prepare for the challenge: Once you’ve altered your mindset, your battle is half done.  Up until this day I’m sometimes negative about my love life and if I’m not consciously impeccable with my words can speak ungodly things over my life in a moment of sadness.  I do believe that words truly have power and try my hardest to speak life over my situation, although I’m not always successful.  When you’re down in the dumps the last thing you’re thinking is that things will shift in your favor because all you can see right now is what’s in front of you.  But there is more life to come and although being single during the holidays can suck at times, especially if you really didn’t desire to be partnerless, it can be an awesome time in your life if you prepare yourself ahead of time!  Before you even step foot out the door be prepared to see other couples wherever you go, especially for valentine’s day and New Years.  If a relationship is something that you truly desire, it may be hard but keep in mind that your time will come and be happy for the couples you see.  Try not to compare your life to those of others, because that is one of the most unhealthy things you can do at this time and have a meditation scripture to focus on in moments of sadness to bring you back to a place of wholeness in Christ.  I put five below, today I will keep on my mind ‘He will not leave you or forsake you’ and repeat it as much as possible especially during times of sadness or frustration to remind myself that even thought I don’t have a physical husband, God is always by my side.

  • Matthew 21:22 – And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive
  • Proverbs 30:5 – Every word of God [is] pure: he [is] a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
  • Psalms 37:4 – Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
  • Psalms 126:5 – They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.
  • Deuteronomy 31:6 (ESV)Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Apply your camouflage: Have you ever heard of faking it until you make it?  Well it may be beneficial in this instance, not necessarily being phony or lying but you can let people know how you feel but still resist the urge to dwell on negative feelings even if you want to.  When someone ask you how you are, be honest if you’re feeling down about being single but remind them (and yourself) of all the great things you have to be thankful for in life.  Every conversation shouldn’t be an opportunity to drop a sad bomb.  Take the time to think of some things you’re grateful for now, your health, your children (or in my case my dogs), family, a job there are so many things.  Reminding yourself of the fact that this too will pass and that you still have a full life without a mate can sometimes work wonders on keeping you in a positive place.  Recite and repeat as often as necessary.

Thank God for winning the small battles: Christmas and Valentines are a great time to spend money and blow a budget if you’ve got a significant other so thank God that you don’t!  You can choose to stash the money or splurge and give yourself a gift.  But whatever you do is totally up to you and no one else, which is one of the perks of singlehood.  Treat yourself to a movie, throw a party for your single friends, buy a new dress or a trip if your budget allows.  Besides doesn’t sitting on a sunny beach somewhere, toes in sand and drink in hand, sound much better than trudging through the cold and snow!?

Always remember what your Commander-in-Chief said:  If we look in our bible it tells us that it is good for single people to remain single because at this time in our lives we are able to devote so much more time to the Lord.  I am guilty of not using my time as wisely as I should but whenever I am intentional about spending time with God I always, always feel better about my situation.

1Corinthians 7:8 (ESV) – to the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am.

1 Corinthians 7:32-35 ESV : I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

God bless and Have a wonderful holiday (single) season!  You’re in my prayers and here’s to a purposeFULL life!

Court 😉

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Single and patient…

I was speaking to a friend today and she was filling me in on her marriage woes. Without getting to deep into anyone else’s business, it’s a fairly new marriage and they are more unhappy than not with each other as they attempt this life long journey of growth together. In the midst of her complaining about him, I found myself express, “OMG, I am so glad that I’m not married!” Now, In hindsight, I realize that was a little selfish as many of my friends use me as a sounding board and I would never want to make any of them feel alienated. Secondly, I should have stated that I am so glad that I’m not unhappily married as we can speak life or death over our situations and lives (Proverbs 18:21). But it even shocked me when I felt it come over me, because I truly meant it with everything in me. This was a new feeling as I had been so focused on wanting a relationship that I had rarely taken the time to thank God for saving me from the wrong unions! I have no desire to deal with the drama, arguing and pain that comes along with a union to the wrong person (not saying that was my friends situation at all). I came to the conclusion that I would be much happier single and at peace than married and constantly at war. My relationships in the past have been full of drama, abuse and pain, although there were definitely good aspects to each I could have done without the negative parts. Granted, the negativity was because God was not the head of our unions and partially a result of my insecurities and actions which I can now take accountability for. But as God instills in me the patience to wait on His best I grow more and more overjoyed in the fact that I haven’t made the mistake of marrying the wrong man. Or on the flip side that I haven’t scared off my Adam because my heart wasn’t prepared for a union that would glorify God.

Because I am currently doing a bible study on self control, I was reading about the Stanford marshmallow experiment. This experiment was done many years ago by a psychologist Walter Mischel. In the experiment, children were offered a choice between one small marshmallow immediately or two marshmallows if they could wait and practice delayed gratification. In follow up studies the researchers showed that the children that were able to wait longer tended to have better life outcomes. I know that with living in such a now centered society the thought of practicing patience and delayed gratification may seem archaic; But what if God wants to give us as many marshmallows as we want and were settling for one measly marshmallow because we can’t control our own desires of immediate indulgence. What if God has His best for us, but because we simply won’t wait for His timing we forfeit it all because of impatience or we have to wait even longer like the Israelites out in the wilderness for forty years on a journey that should have taken them 11 days! (Deuteronomy 1:2) As children of God how long must we go around this same mountain of singleness because of complaining, wrong thinking, frustration or impatience? And I say we because I include myself and need reminders every now and then as well! If we practice patience in this one area of our lives I believe it will also enrich other aspects of our lives and be well worth it in the end.

One huge perk of singleness is the time allowed to renew your spirit, ready your heart for a partner and grow in God, so take advantage of it. We can rest assured and be at peace because we know that if God placed the desire of marriage in our hearts, he will fulfill that longing, exceedingly and abundantly beyond what we can probably even imagine as long as we believe and do not ask outside of his will (Mark 21:22 & James 4:3). We can rest in the fact that our life long partners are either being prepared for us or waiting on us to grow ourselves up enough to have a thriving marriage truly made in heaven! So what are you waiting for? Get to work!!!
Here’s to a purposeFULL life!
Court

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Single and lonely (part 2)…

Six ways to combat the feeling of loneliness…
1. Learn to depend on Him: Don’t call that friend, turn on the television or go to the mall to make yourself feel better or be around people. If you try to numb, ignore or tune out your loneliness it will most likely still be there after you get off the phone, the TV show is over or you finish shopping. Instead, work it out with just you and God, pick up your bible or read your bible verses that you wrote out for times like these.
2. Have an attitude of gratitude: I know that this is quite cliché, but it works wonders! When you focus on the things that are right in your life you don’t have much time to focus on what’s wrong. The majority of the time you will realize you are more blessed than not. Even though you may not have a significant other at this time, there may be other people that God has placed in your life to love on, so be grateful for them!
3. Get it out: Allow yourself to feel the frustration of loneliness, cry, write about your feelings and pray to God about your situation, then get quite before Him and listen for a response. Give your loneliness to God; He knows how to heal your brokenness.
4. Adjust your focus: God tells us to focus on things eternal and not seen (2Corinthinans 4:18), in the long run those are the things that will prove to be important. Instead of focusing on us and what our flesh wants in the right here and now, focus on why God may have you in this situation to benefit the kingdom. Could it be to have time to help others, volunteer, start or help in a ministry, write a book or just to become a better you?
5. Think of the alternative: In my times of loneliness I think of what my life could have been like had God given me my hearts desires in the past when I wasn’t ready. For me, I could have married my first boyfriend but I’m quite sure it would have been a horrible marriage. Think of the ways God has saved you and what He kept you from instead of focusing on what you believe He may be withholding. He wants you happy and you deserve the best, His best. Hopefully, you believe that’s worth the wait.
6. Feelings are fickle: Realize that what you feel is just a feeling and most feelings are fickle. Usually, most feelings soon leave for another. You won’t feel this way for the rest of your life, maybe even the rest of day. Rely on what you know to be truth, that God is not a man that he will not lie and that he fulfills His promises (Numbers 23:19). Know that this too shall pass.

I truly hope this helps someone in their time of loneliness!
Here’s to a purposeFULL life
Court

Jeremiah 17:9 – The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?

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Single and lonely (part 1)…

If I can be totally transparent, I am 36, childless, and single. LIFE GET’S LONELY! I try my hardest not to compare my situation to anyone else’s and hold on to the faith that God will fulfill my desires of a family, but at times I stumble. This evening as I was sitting in bed working on my book a good friend called. She began updating me on her Fourth of July weekend events, mishaps and adventures with her family and as she was speaking a wave of sadness washed over me. I tried to remain totally focused on what she was saying but no matter how much I tried to suppress them all types of thoughts began to pester me during the conversation. The main one being, will I ever have a family of my own? This thought I knew was of the devil and had to be taken captive immediately. I was being double minded in my thoughts, I doubted God and His will for my life, in which case I would receive nothing! (James 1:6)
I write this with tears in my eyes, because I truly do long to hear the sound of tiny feet running down the hall and have a wonderful husband to snuggle up with on nights like this when storm clouds are forming in the sky. But I have to learn to accept my portion in life at this time and be content with all the beautiful things God has given me. In times like this, I have to make an effort to remind myself that I have a wonderfully family, supportive and loving parents, great dogs, a freedom in life that I truly enjoy and a bed all to myself! Usually after saying a prayer and focusing on the things I love about my life I feel sooooo much better. In the past I have been in a place where I allowed the fog of loneliness to linger and I know that if it does it will draw me in more and more until it becomes despair and eventually depression. I have to believe in God’s promises to me, he promised me anything that I ask, if I believe (Matt 7:7).
One thing I have learned through my studies is that God wants to capture our hearts more than any man in this world. He doesn’t want us to hurt, be lonely or sad in the time He is taking to mature us past this point but there may be some growing pains. Fight through it and trust in Him. My advice is to get verses of scripture that can speak to your heart in times of loneliness. Write them on note cards or save them in the notes section of your phone, as long as you have them on hand when the time comes. One of my favorites is Proverbs 3:5-6. From my experience, if you make God the love of your life, you will love this life so much more regardless of your relationship status!
Here’s to a purposeFULL life
Court
Matthew 6:33 – But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Court

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Single Sister Series…

Although I don’t know much about being married, I could write the book on being single or worse the perpetual girlfriend! I am starting a short series on singleness and some of my stories of singlehood today. As I learn what it means to be in a committed relationship, to love a man in the way that Jesus commanded and how he is to love me (Ephesians 5:22-33, Matthew 19:2-9); I can honestly see why my past relationships have failed. Although I don’t have all the answers my hope is to help women as they go through the dating (and even better courting) phase of life.

God Bless
Court