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8 dating rules mature christian women live by


If I compare my views on dating over the past three decades I can truly say that they have shifted tremendously with age and maturity.  I wanted to share some ideals that have changed in my thinking of dating over the years.  These are things that I feel most mature Christian women keep in mind when dating and rules I’ve grown to live by.  Let me know if you agree or have more to add!

1. FOMO is a disease worth preventing:  By this I mean fear of missing out on meeting the man of your dreams! You no longer feel the need to drag yourself to the club every weekend or attend social events when you’d much rather be comfy in bed simply because you’re afraid of missing that chance encounter with Mr. Perfect for you. You are able to rest in the fact that when the time comes for you to meet it will happen no matter where you are, if God wanted to he could bring him right to your door.  It’s just not that serious and your purpose for going out has less to do with meeting a man and more about the personal experience of having a great time.  Besides, most of us have been to the club a gazillion times and have  met Mr. Horrible breath, Mr. Much too pushy and Mr. Stalk you all night but never Mr. Right!

2. Resist emotional attachment:  At least until his representative exits stage left and you’re sure you can deal with his crazy, because let’s face it everyone has a touch.  You may feel the flutter of butterflies in your stomach, your words may get jumbled somewhere between your tongue and lips from nervousness when he’s around but somehow you still manage to remain planted in reality.   Your desire to take it slow, guard your heart and refusal to get caught up in the what if’s is a very intelligent move.  You realize that some relationships are sizzling hot one day and fizzle out the next so you are able to keep your emotions in check and remain observant of his actions and words. Of course after dating someone for a while thoughts of white poufy dresses, last name changes and babies may begin to infiltrate your daydreams but you definitely don’t have your wedding planned after the first few dates.

3. Date around: You get that there’s no need to become attached at the hip to a guy after only a couple of dates.  You have no problem keeping your options open as you find out where his head is and get to know him and you’re okay with him doing the same.  Of course being open and honest about the fact that there is no exclusivity until the time comes to take a more serious step is a necessity.  Granted there are people that get married after a couple of dates and it works out well for them, so if this is where God is leading you then hallelujah you’ve been blessed!

4. Make big life decisions like a boss: Waiting on someone to enter your life before you can start living it only hinders your progress as a person and possibly as a mate.  Going it alone with decisions like purchasing a home or moving to a new city can be scary, but worth it.  Although you may be fearful or nervous making a huge move alone you still do it scared, sometimes shaking in your boots scared!   The thought that you need a significant other to make a big leap in life is in my view a grave misnomer.    I’ve moved more than 1000 miles from home twice and last year took the leap into homeownership.  One of the comments I got from an older woman in my family was that the purchase was too permanent and what about marriage.  This type of thinking is fear based and I refuse to live my reality based on someone else’s and while I’ve learned a few things that I dislike (mowing the lawn being primary) I truly enjoy my humble abode.  I would encourage anyone that has the funds, desire and plans to make a giant life altering leap to go ahead and jump you will most likely soar and flying solo is actually pretty empowering.

5. Know when to opt out of dating drama:  While dating is fine, you realize that you don’t have to go out with someone simply because they ask or throw some affection your way.  While a man findeth a wife, the woman decideth to deny or accept his advances. Some times you just need a break from the entire scene or men in general and decide to take a much needed respite from dating.  Although slightly forced due to a break up, I recently gave up dating for months and grew tremendously from doing so.  I highly recommend it for anyone that has recently parted ways with a significant other or would like to make some beneficial life or character changes without the pressure of dating.

6.  You never have to prove yourself:  I can recall the countless times that I’ve met a man and before asking me about my spiritual beliefs, my background or goals he bee lines straight for what is apparently the most significant question of them all, ‘can you cook’ usually followed by ‘what you gone cook for me’.  As if being able to throw down in the kitchen automatically turned you into suzie homemaker.  The old adage tells us that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and many times a man will want you to prove that you are ‘wifey material’ prior to moving into a more serious status.  As I’ve matured in my dating style I don’t have the desire to prove much to any man and the answer that goes through my head when asked if I can cook is, yes I can cook, but why would I cook for you?  Mature women know that proving you can whip up a quick meal in a pinch or are good with money, kids etc is reserved for the man that is worthy of receiving those gifts not some random that may not be around after the third date.

7. Always remain focused:  Many times our purpose for dating is marriage as Christians, I include myself in that category as well.  I no longer date for the fun of simply going out because I don’t have the time to waste on men who aren’t marriage material.  Even if marriage isn’t your end goal, as you grow more mature you come to know what you want out of dating.  You know that time is valuable and tremendously more precious than a free meal, so you opt out of possibly unequally yoked partnerships to focus on more important things.

8. Dating does not mean sex:  As a Christian woman I have been walking the road of abstinence since my last relationship.  It’s pretty easy to do while not dating, but I know it may become a bit more difficult when I enter into another serious relationship as the temptations will surely come.  But I also know that I don’t desire to move too fast with anyone and that goes for any physical contact including hugging and kissing.  The world sells us a view of dating that goes hand in hand with sex, as Christians living for a God that calls fornication a sin, we don’t buy the hype.  I know for me l almost instantly grow more attached to the person after sex and in an effort to guard my heart chose to reserve my body for the man I marry.

God Bless
Court

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Single for a reason

Months ago I prayed to God to block the entrance of any man who wasn’t my husband into my life. I was (and still am) seriously done with wasting time in the dating scene. I prayed this prayer soon after my last breakup simply because I was fed up and tired.  Exhausted to be completely honest, exhausted of falling for someone only to realize years into the relationship after I had played wifey, after the cheating, the lies, the games and the fleeting dreams of marriage and a family together that we were never meant to be.  I was tired of trying to make it work with someone who hadn’t even saw value in me to make me his wife. Tired of running into men who although they say they want to do things the God way we still somehow end up in fornication. I went through this process three times during my adult life and although it may not be a lot for some, that was more than enough for me. Granted throughout the years I was no angel in relationships although I never physically cheated I kept ‘friends’ that I knew were interested in me around, I consented to fornication with my boyfriends, feared putting all my eggs into one basket and played the little petty games that many do when dating and ultimately lost.  I suppose I grew most tired of just that, losing, always coming to the end of a relationships feeling as if I had lost a piece of me that I could never get back yet again. It’s exasperating, frustrating and most of all painful, but in my case necessary for me to reach the point where I gave the heartache, the pain and the confusion to God and focused on Him.

In the past if I broke up with someone it wasn’t long before I found another man to keep me occupied while I nursed the wounds of a broken heart.  While we wouldn’t have sex I would allow myself to form an emotional attachment with them or go out just so I wouldn’t think about my ex. Neither of these were the right thing to do, because as I wouldn’t think about the pain or loneliness while I was out having fun but it was always waiting for me at home. I wasn’t fulfilled with these outings and grew to understand that I would never be, because what I wanted was so much more than an empty relationship. Although a couple of the men wanted to take it further and date seriously, something always held me back from progressing. There was no peace in the thought of spending a lifetime with them and if I couldn’t see that then I didn’t want anything more. Ultimately I would find something I didn’t like about them so I could easily keep my distance while still going out and having fun without delving too deeply into feelings even if they had them for me, basically I was led them on, which was so wrong.

Since praying the ‘anti-counterfeit’ prayer and becoming more purposeful in who I choose to spend time with, my dating life has been, shall we say, pretty nonexistent.  I have turned down dates by men that I know aren’t for me and old familiar faces have popped up every now and then but I choose to focus on my growth at this point in my life and devote time to having a stable foundation with God while still having a ball doing life.  I live my life and try to appreciate living it solo, as there may be a time when I long for the solitude I have now. I am able to travel to different places, have fun with friends, meet new people, become more involved with the church and try to simply enjoy the days as they come. There are moments of loneliness, but I realize they are just moments and the feeling passes when I remember that I am single for a reason. My reason no longer consist of bettering myself for a husband that may or may not ever show up, but becoming the woman God wants me to be, to form a deeper relationship with Him, to grow in faith and to hear His voice so clearly that I have no doubt when He whispers which way I should go. I long for a relationship like that with God and if being unattached is what brings me closer to Him then I would have it know other way.

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God Bless,

Court