For many Valentine’s day is a day of love and celebration. But for some it can bring a sense of loneliness as the clouds of sadness rush in as they prepare to celebrate Singles Awareness Day. Seeing others get flowers at work, exchanging gifts, dining together or even the multiple proposals that often ensue on social media feeds can leave a single feeling more like a Scrooge than a Cupid. I know because I’ve been there, where my response to a chipper ‘Happy Valentine’s Day!’ was a grumpy ‘bahumbug’. But not this year! What’s changed? I realized that I have a bunch of reasons to celebrate life and love as a single and so do you!
You have someone to love: and that someone is you! Before you can properly love anyone else, you have to fall head over heels in love with the person that looks back at you in the mirror every day. Self love is the basis of all love, so don’t wallow on the fact that you may not have someone to celebrate the day with and celebrate the fact that you have so much to celebrate. Get focused on showing yourself some love, buy some flowers (or in my case a plant), get a massage, order your favorite take out, you deserve to be loved and don’t have to wait for someone outside of your self to do it!
You aren’t entertaining randoms: This is a biggie because you can rest assured that you aren’t lowering your dating standards. Celebrate the fact that you are saving yourself the headache, pain, drama, and most likely heartbreak of dating someone not worthy of your time and efforts.
You aren’t blocking love: By not dealing with randoms or people that have no intentions of being in your life long term, you are allowing the door to remain open for the right person to walk right on in, no strings attach. You can use your single days to better yourself for yourself as well as prepare for the relationship you desire.
You can focus on other relationships: I know, I know, who really wants to spend valentines day with a bunch of friends? Especially since the day is for lovers. But shifting your focus can ultimately be life changing and dong so on this day is no different. If you find yourself wallowing in the fact that the joy of having a significant other has eluded you this valentines day call on your single friends! Get out of the house and do something together, laugh a lot and enjoy the fact that you know some pretty awesome people!
You can be a giver: Let’s face it, we’ve all looked at a couple that seemed to be so in love on this day and wished a plague on their valentines. Buuuut, being a hater isn’t going to bring you a mate and one of the best things you can do is to understand that every one has ups and downs in life and your time will soon come. If you know people that may need some assistance planning their special day or may need your baby sitting services offer to help. Helping others often makes us feel better and don’t hate, celebrate the fact that they have someone. Besides, you will too one day (probably sooner than you think) and that’s something to celebrate as well!
Yesterday, I was reading an article about a young couple that waited until marriage to have sex and I found myself thinking back to my dating life as a young woman, unfortunately my lifestyle at the time wasn’t on track to lead by the same example set by this couple. I realize that saving your virginity for marriage isn’t for everyone, but I honestly regret giving such a precious gift to my ex and truly wished it was something I could have saved for my husband. Now that being said I’m not that young anymore and let’s just say if I had waited to have sex until marriage I would be well on my way to being the female counterpart of the 40-year-old virgin. I’m getting to the point where being single has become normalcy and although I would like to be married one day I’m unsure if I even want to without the possibility of having children and the older I get the more my chances of doing so decrease. Believe me, my doctor drilled this into my head just the other day. In reading the article, I thought that it may be too late for me, but there are some things that throughout my dealings with men and relationships that I learned and would tell young women today (and my daughter if God decides to bless me in that way) to seek and pray for in a mate, this is my prayer for them.
I pray for you a man who will support you, that will be your strength when you are weak, that will pamper, console, spoil and care for you, a man who will be your strongest cheerleader and weakest critic
I pray for you a man who will be faithful and loyal. I pray that you never have to feel the anguish of a broken heart, but if you do, know that it will teach you many lessons and allow it make you better not bitter
I pray for you a man who is diligent about keeping his word and that understands the strength of it, a man who knows his foundation begins with what he declares
I pray for you a man who see’s your body as more than something to pleasure him sexually and domestically or to be abused but that recognizes your body as God’s temple
I pray for you a man who honors your purity and desires to present you without spot before the Lord, a man who purposes to refrain from sexual sin because he desires a relationship with God more than he does with you
I pray for you a man who can make you laugh wholehearted, deep-belly, genuine laughs even on days when you feel like crying the most
I pray for you a man who will take the time to get to know you as a person, someone who calls you daily, woo’s you romantically, and stimulates you mentally, a man who will not stop pursuing you even after he knows he has you
I pray for you a man who feels pain when you are hurting because he is sensitive to your feelings and hates to see you unhappy
I pray for you a man who is proud but not prideful, that is confident but not conceited and is decisive but not stubborn
I pray for you a man who see’s the value of your input and the wisdom that flow’s through you from above and I pray that his ego is able to take a back seat to your opinions, views and ideals so that he truly hears and listens to your voice
I pray for you a man who love’s conversing with you because he enjoys getting to know you even after he know’s all about you
I pray for you a man who consistently acknowledges the beauty of you and will always choose to see the best in you
I pray for you a man able to find the delicate balance between the gentleness and strength required of great leaders
I pray for you a man who is mature enough to walk away if he is not ready to treat you in the proper manner or a man who will not hang on to you simply because he does not want to let you go but yet is not able to be the man you need
I pray for you a man who understands the meaning of relationship and that does not love in a self-serving manner, a man who is able to serve and provide for his family
I pray for you a man who you do not need, but truly want to have in your life and that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt loves and care’s about you because his actions say so more than his words
I pray for you a man that makes loving him easy even in the hardest of times and that seeks to truly and fully live out the command of loving you like Jesus loved the church
I have a beautiful wardrobe if I do say so myself and I collect shoes as if I’m gearing up to open a mini Macy’s. But after taking inventory of my internal status I’ve noticed that over the years I’ve collected some pretty ugly qualities. I’ve added some bad habits, stored a bunch of negativity, indulged in a little moodiness, picked up some double mindedness and threw in a bit of emotional instability just for good measure. In other words my heart isn’t always so pretty. Now, I’m always roughest on myself and I have taken tremendous strides in my walk with Christ but I still have a looooong way to go. I can quickly throw the fruits of the spirit out the window and revert to my former ways of pessimism, not speaking in love or sinning in anger at the drop of a hat if things don’t go my way.
Today I had lunch with two girlfriends, one is recently engaged and the other has been married for years and they have just decided to enlarge their family. As we updated each other on life events, marriage, babies, trips etc it came around to me. I eagerly discussed some of the exciting things occurring in my life that I’m extremely grateful for including a new home. I was genuinely happy for them but once I got home I began to reflect on where my life was headed and wondered if I would ever have something as monumental as an engagement to the man God had for me or the arrival of my first child to divulge. Quickly God answered, He asked me why I thought He should bring my husband right now when I’m a mess inside? I realize no one is perfect and after marriage and motherhood some flaws remain, but I could work on preparing myself a lot more than I have been. Yes, I have a house, but my finances are shot because of poor credit card choices in the past, I’ve held on to soul ties from previous relationships, my emotions can be all over the place and in times of anger I allow them to lead me instead of the Holy Spirit. I also get easily irritated by small things like slow drivers or my dog’s barking and I throw spiritual temper tantrums when I don’t get my way. I’m still eating that mushy baby food and sometimes God has to revert to milk with me. I wonder if the angels look down on me shaking their heads wondering if I’ll ever learn and just how many times do I want to make my way around this same old mountain!
If you are eager to have a significant other, a child or some other life altering event, have you checked yourself lately? Would God ask you why He should oblige when you aren’t ready to receive the blessing? I guess, if I look at it from Gods’ point of view I am a little happy that He hasn’t given me my way because I would definitely ruin a great thing. One of the women in my small groups bible study was speaking on the talk she had with God about a month prior to meeting her husband. She asked God for one of His son’s and God told her she had to be His daughter first. Meaning, she would have to forgo focusing on a man and focus on The Man, Jesus! Shifting your entire focus isn’t easy to do when people around you are getting married or popping out babies like candy dispensers while you sit alone watching your biological clock speedily tick, tick, tick away. It’s difficult, especially when the world, from your doctor to strangers on the street (yes this has happened to me) are constantly attempting to instill the fear of perpetual singleness into you. I consistently pray for freedom from people bondage because honestly there are so many other things to focus on, the main one being God’s will. I’ve given up trying to shift my focus on my own because it doesn’t work and have since started praying that God changes my thoughts and keeps my hand’s off the wheel. After all, He is the one with the directions! Be blessed & live purposeFULLy Court
Relationships are inevitable, we date and breakup all the time, especially if you’re doing it the worlds way. I have been in a relationship that ended horribly and one that ended pretty amicably, so I guess in essence I’ve done it the wrong and right way. With one of my ex’s I’ve wallowed in the never-ending sadness of what if’s and in another I rejoiced because I felt as if I could breath for the first time in years! I understand that every break up is different and every tactic may not work for everybody, but my hope is that if you are going to a rough time right now this post may bring a little relief to your situation and a little joy to your pain, because I know it all too well.
1. Remove: The first R is to remove any and everything that might remind you of your ex, delete numbers, text, and get rid of mementos. This isn’t to say you have to toss everything, try storing items in that dark corner wayyyyyy in the back of the garage or giving them to a trusted friend. Let go of it until you can look at the items without a flood of memories or regret washing over you. And who really wants to see their ex with someone else so do yourself the favor and block or unfriend them from social media, if only for the moment.
2. Release: You have to let go of what could have been, because it probably will never be. The only time we have is in the present, the past is history and the future will never come as you expect it. So, give it to God and let it go. Of course you will be hurt and sad by the loss of a relationship, but eventually you’ll have to stop crying over spilt milk. Release the idea of having that wedding or what your kids would have looked like so that you can usher in a new and brighter future whatever it may be.
3. Retrain: Your brain that is. You have to start thinking differently about the person. It’s always when we break up with someone that they become the best thing since sliced bread. But many times, we’re giving them way too much credit. Not to say that you have to degrade or down the person, but the relationship had to end for some reason. Was the person too sloppy, annoying, a poor communicator or did you guys just not have any compatibility or commonality. Whenever you’re tempted to remember how great the relationship was retrain your thoughts to remember the reasons you’re in this predicament now if you have to write them down.
4. Renew: In the bible it states that we are transformed by the renewal of our minds with the word of God. (Romans 12:2). This is so very true, because the word of God is alive it has the ability to change us from the inside out. Use this time to give your all to God, read the bible, pray and study. Date Jesus, he already loves you enough to die for you and is waiting with open arms. He will never, never reject you so run to him and not into the arms of another man.
5. Revive: Was there something that you really enjoyed doing, but in the chaos of life got lost somewhere down the line. Do you have dreams that are near death or passions that could use a little resuscitation? Well, now is the perfect time for a revival of all things you! Think of three things you enjoy doing or have always wanted to do and begin researching how to get started. Research mentors, community organizations, near by classes or if it’s something you can do immediately like writing get to it!
6. Rekindle: Remember that friend you kind of, sort of neglected whenever you were with your boo? Call them up and let them know you miss their company and apologize for being MIA. One thing I’ve learned is that having (true) friends is one of the most important things in life. Usually you’ll find that they are right there when you need them regardless of the distance or time spent apart. But once you get a new boo (and I’m quite sure you will), don’t kick your friends to the curb please! Always make time for them in your life.
6. Refocus: If you look at the lessons instead of the loss changing the way you look at the break up can help tremendously. How has the relationship developed you? Do you know more of what you don’t want in a partner? Have you come closer to realizing how to love someone or even what love is? Did it force you to be less selfish? These are all great life lessons to learn that unfortunately only relationships and heartache can teach. The best thing about a break up is that they can make you a better you if you. Sometimes, you become more perceptive of red flags, less judgemental, a tad more mature, increasingly sure of what you do and don’t want or are willing to accept and less selfish. Allow the break up to make you better and not bitter.
7. Rethink: Do your thoughts seem to shift back to that person not matter what you’re doing? You could be at work, reading, or surfing the internet and something always seems to trigger a thought about them. unfortunately these thoughts may continue to cross your mind for a while but the trick is to not let your thoughts control you. It’s as simple as thinking about something else or putting your all into what you’re doing. When this happens try closing your eyes and focusing on the breaths that you take and nothing else or meditate on a memorized scripture which is even better.
8. Regift: Right now you feel awful, but guess what you aren’t the only one. People go through break ups all the time. Instead of internalizing everything, you can use the pain as a gift. Pray for people going through similar (or worse) situations, join an encouragement page on Facebook or support someone you know going through a tough time and if you are able to volunteer somewhere to help others do so! There truly is nothing better than to be of service to others and knowing you are the reason for the smiles on their faces just might bring one to yours.
9. Rehappy: Yes, I just made up a word because one of the most important things you have to do is take your happiness back! I know it’s cliché, but happiness truly is a choice. Choose to be happy, elated even about the fact that God got this counterfeit out the way so that He can bring you the love of your life, now that’s something to get ecstatic about!! You can choose to sit and wallow in saddens or you can choose to start living your life knowing that this time next year you may not even remember why you were so sad in the first place.