Tag Archives: heartache

The 9 ‘R’s to getting your happy back after a break up

Relationships are inevitable, we date and breakup all the time, especially if you’re doing it the worlds way. I have been in a relationship that ended horribly and one that ended pretty amicably, so I guess in essence I’ve done it the wrong and right way. With one of my ex’s I’ve wallowed in the never-ending sadness of what if’s and in another I rejoiced because I felt as if I could breath for the first time in years! I understand that every break up is different and every tactic may not work for everybody, but my hope is that if you are going to a rough time right now this post may bring a little relief to your situation and a little joy to your pain, because I know it all too well.

1. Remove: The first R is to remove any and everything that might remind you of your ex, delete numbers, text, and get rid of mementos. This isn’t to say you have to toss everything, try storing items in that dark corner wayyyyyy in the  back of the garage or giving them to a trusted friend.   Let go of  it until you can look at the items without a flood of memories or regret washing over you.  And who really wants to see their ex with someone else so do yourself the favor and block or unfriend them from social media, if only for the moment.

2. Release: You have to let go of what could have been, because it probably will never be.  The only time we have is in the present, the past is history and the future will never come as you expect it. So, give it to God and let it go. Of course you will be hurt and sad by the loss of a relationship, but eventually you’ll have to stop crying over spilt milk. Release the idea of having that wedding or what your kids would have looked like so that you can usher in a new and brighter future whatever it may be.

3. Retrain: Your brain that is.  You have to start thinking differently about the person. It’s always when we break up with someone that they become the best thing since sliced bread. But many times, we’re giving them way too much credit. Not to say that you have to degrade or down the person, but the relationship had to end for some reason.  Was the person too sloppy, annoying, a poor communicator or did you guys just not have any compatibility or commonality.  Whenever you’re tempted to remember  how great the relationship was retrain your thoughts to remember the reasons you’re in this predicament now if you have to write them down.

4. Renew: In the bible it states that we are transformed by the renewal of our minds with the word of God. (Romans 12:2). This is so very true, because the word of God is alive it has the ability to change us from the inside out. Use this time to give your all to God, read the bible, pray and study. Date Jesus, he already loves you enough to die for you and is waiting with open arms. He will never, never reject you so run to him and not into the arms of another man.

5. Revive: Was there something that you really enjoyed doing, but in the chaos of life got lost somewhere down the line. Do you have dreams that are near death or passions that could use a little resuscitation? Well, now is the perfect time for a revival of all things you! Think of three things you enjoy doing or have always wanted to do and begin researching how to get started.   Research mentors, community organizations, near by classes or if it’s something you can do immediately like writing get to it!

6. Rekindle: Remember that friend you kind of, sort of neglected whenever you were with your boo? Call them up and let them know you miss their company and apologize for being MIA. One thing I’ve learned is that having (true) friends is one of the most important things in life. Usually you’ll find that they are right there when you need them regardless of the distance or time spent apart. But once you get a new boo (and I’m quite sure you will), don’t kick your friends to the curb please!   Always make time for them in your life.

6. Refocus: If you look at the lessons instead of the loss changing the way you look at the break up can help tremendously. How has the relationship developed you? Do you know more of what you don’t want in a partner? Have you come closer to realizing how to love someone or even what love is? Did it force you to be less selfish? These are all great life lessons to learn that unfortunately only relationships and heartache can teach. The best thing about a break up is that they can make you a better you if you. Sometimes, you become more perceptive of red flags, less judgemental, a tad more mature, increasingly sure of what you do and don’t want or are willing to accept and less selfish. Allow the break up to make you better and not bitter.

7. Rethink: Do your thoughts seem to shift back to that person not matter what you’re doing? You could be at work, reading, or surfing the internet and something always seems to trigger a thought about them. unfortunately these thoughts may continue to cross your mind for a while but the trick is to not let your thoughts control you. It’s as simple as thinking about something else or putting your all into what you’re doing. When this happens try closing your eyes and focusing on the breaths that you take and nothing else or meditate on a memorized scripture which is even better.

8. Regift: Right now you feel awful, but guess what you aren’t the only one. People go through break ups all the time. Instead of internalizing everything, you can use the pain as a gift. Pray for people going through similar (or worse) situations, join an encouragement page on Facebook or support someone you know going through a tough time and if you are able to volunteer somewhere to help others do so!  There truly is nothing better than to be of service to others and knowing you are the reason for the smiles on their faces just might bring one to yours.

9. Rehappy: Yes, I just made up a word because one of the most important things you have to do is take your happiness back! I know it’s cliché, but happiness truly is a choice. Choose to be happy, elated even about the fact that God got this counterfeit out the way so that He can bring you the love of your life, now that’s something to get ecstatic about!!   You can choose to sit and wallow in saddens or you can choose to start living your life knowing that this time next year you may not even remember why you were so sad in the first place.

 

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A friend of mine and I on vacation, yes we were happy! 🙂

What to do with a broken heart…

I honestly believe that everyone get’s over a broken heart differently, there are a myriad of ways. But one thing we should all do is to give that brokenness to God. Recently when I was going through a breakup one of my friends told me that ‘brokenness makes room for God’ and that is true. In this situation (as in many) it ultimately did bring me closer to God. I gave my heartache to Him in exchange for His peace and the security that everything would work out for my best. I had to trust Him. Therefore the first pointer for getting over heartbreak is to focus on God and his will for your life. It could be that that person was just a chapter in your story and their part is over it could also be that you need some time apart and the relationship could rekindle later. But regardless, God wants you to draw closer to Him and he will draw closer to you (James 4:8).

Give it up: Give your brokenness to God. Read his word so he can comfort you, reach out to Him so He can hold you, pray to Him so he can speak words of love to your heart, cry out to Him so he can protect you and praise Him so He can bring you new joys into your life. Yes, He alone can turn your mourning into dancing so allow Him to do so.

Mind over matter: get your mind off of the matter. I know that it’s easier said than done and it can be extremely difficult not to think about that person but you have to get your mind off of them. Your mind has to be trained to not focus on things you don’t want to, try not to rehash conversations over and over in your mind.  When these things pop in your head make it a point to drown it out with something constructive.  Of course, I don’t recommend doing anything that would cause you to back slide or be detrimental to your well being like drown your sorrows in drugs or alcohol, overeating or go in debt while shopping your sadness away as I used to. I learned the hard way that those things only lead to further frustration and complications in the long run. Instead, find beneficial ways to keep those thoughts at bay. Read a book (or The good book), watch positive YouTube videos, talk to friends, do something you love like writing or dancing.  What helped me was writing, I journaled, blogged or wrote in my book.  If you find something that you are passionate about many times this will consume much of the time you would spend pondering about your past love.

Ditch social media: or at least that persons social media sites for a while. This can be hard to do but I would almost say it’s a must! Trust, You will want to know how they are doing or if they’re seeing someone else but ultimately you are only torturing yourself! And if they are not mature or are petty they may post things just to get under your skin because they know you can’t resist the urge to peek. Plus Facebook stalking is just not cool, do yourself a favor and stay away!

Do not reach out and touch: When we break up with someone we can find every reason in the book to reach out to them. If we see a piece of their hair on the floor we’ll want to call to ask if they want it back. But you have to be strong, remember all the reasons you broke up, the reasons it did not or could not work. Know that communicating or seeing that person will make it even more difficult to let go and will probably cause more heartache in the long run. If that person has asked for some space be respectful and give them what they asked for.

Dump the memories: Relationships are messy and usually there is no black and white. Sometimes it can be a break up to make up type of situation, but if you know for certain you are over make sure you get rid of things that will remind you of that person. You don’t have to burn or dump it (unless they don’t want it) but the post office delivers so give them a try.

Forgive them: Ultimately you will have to forgive that person for anything they did to you and you will have to forgive yourself. Understanding that hurting people hurt people allows you to eventually let go of that pain without excusing them from their wrongs.  Think briefly about why they may have done what they did; ask yourself if how they were raised, or treated in past relationships may have contributed to their actions. People are only human which means they are flawed, none of us get it perfect so unforgiveness is not an option.

Get on with your life: Go out with friends, volunteer, work out, travel, become more active in your church, if you have kids get more involved with them. Whatever you do learn to enjoy your life and the place where God has you at this moment. One year from now your heart won’t ache and you may not even be thinking about that person, know that trouble does not last always and choose happiness over despair.

Help others, especially those in your situation: There are people out there in your same situation, everyone in the world has or will experience some type of heart break in their lives. Many times it is said that the best way to get over your situation is to help others through theirs, so reach out to hurting people and if this isn’t a possibility definitely pray for them.

Focus on the gain: Instead of focusing on what you lost, think of all the things you have gained by letting go of this relationship, especially if it was a toxic one. Yes many of us long to be tied to someone in a relationship, sometimes to our detriment, but right now you have freedom and there are many perks to having it!

Look at the bright side: Know that all things will work out for your good and that the best is yet to come. God has got this and now that Mr. or Mrs. wrong is out of the picture, it makes room for Mr. or Mrs. right to come on in. So take this time to ready your head and heart for their arrival!

Seek counseling:  If you feel yourself spiraling into a depression or a deep sadness I would recommend counseling.  Seeing a professionally trained counselor as well as a spiritual counselor can help tremendously in these situations.

I would like for us to pray for the lonely, the brokenhearted and those that feel hopeless. For them to know that God will always be by their sides and that they will allow His love, peace and joy to fill their hearts. I also pray that they understand that Jesus is the lover of our souls and our ultimate soul mates and if it is His will that God fulfills all the desires to have earthly mates as well.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18).

God Bless,

Court