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Five things a man should see in you, besides your beauty

Portrait Of Loving African American Couple In Countryside

I go to a singles bible study every now and then and an acquaintance, let’s call him Franco, started attending as a result of me telling him how much I enjoy the studies.  One day Franco informed me that he didn’t really need singles bible study because he already knew who he was going to marry and after a couple of minutes of going back and forth he revealed that his wife to be was me.  Now, I’m not the type of woman who buys something most people are selling especially if it doesn’t add up.  In this case, we had known each other for about a year, weren’t dating and I had made it known we most likely would go no further than a friendship.  Since I tend to question everything, this was no different and I asked him what about me made him think I was the one?  His answer immediately turned on my ‘game running alarms’ as he informed me that I was the proud owner of the three B’s: beauty, brains and booty to which I promptly chuckled while mentally incorporating a forth ‘B’, the boot!   If a man is unable to tell me why he wants to be with me or has trouble pulling out a couple of specific character qualities that make me special to him it’s an issue.  If he can’t do these things in my view he isn’t paying attention or truly invested in me as a person enough to get to know my core, especially if he claims to love me or would discuss something as serious as marriage.  This scenario made me give much thought to some of the qualities a mate should be able to recognize, appreciate and honor within your relationship beside your beauty and booty!

Your value: Regardless of whether you’re dating, courting, engaged or married your significant other should be able to clearly recognize the value that you bring to his life.  Throughout proverbs, wisdom is characterized as a female and in Proverbs 31 we see what makes up an excellent woman or wife.  In the bible it states that a man who seeks wisdom will be blessed, just as a man who finds a wife is blessed.  It also states that wise words and wisdom are more valuable than rubies, just as a woman of noble character is more precious than rubies.  I say this to make the comparison to the value of wisdom and that of a noble wife.  The word wisdom appears in the bible over 200 times and we are told in Proverbs 4 that obtaining wisdom is a principal thing; And although the bible is speaking of wisdom, verses 6-9 could seriously read as a guide-book for having a very happy wife and hence life.  If there are so many similarities between the attainment of wisdom with all its importance and that of the rare and noble wife then it is fair to say that you are quite valuable in God’s eyes and should be in your significant other’s as well.  In 1 Peter 3:7 husbands are told to live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.   If a man does not show understanding and honor to his wife his prayers could be hindered.  Meaning the way a man treat’s his wife is directly correlated to the way God treat’s his prayers!   That’s just how serious God is about the treatment of his daughters by their husbands and truly shows the value of a virtuous woman.

Your Irreplaceableness:  In the middle of an argument, I had an ex-boyfriend tell me that he could go out tomorrow and find another  ‘good girl’ just like me.  Aside from the fact that he called me a girl, the comment made me cringe because I felt like after all the time of us dating my worth to him boiled down to the fact that I had a steady job, was smart and pretty.  Like he could just go to the girlfriend store and tell the manager ‘this one didn’t fit I need another one of the same model’.  His statement didn’t encompass any of the attributes that made me who I was internally, it didn’t entertain the uniqueness of my laugh, my penchant for singing loudly off-key in the shower or my quirky sense of humor, it only focused on the external which in essence could actually be easily replaced.  Thank God for instilling me with enough confidence to know that although he may find someone else quickly, there was no way on God’s green earth he would run across another me.  If you look at the beginning of Proverbs 31:10, it begins with a question, ‘Who can find a virtuous woman?’  Since it’s in question form I immediately think that maybe this virtuous woman isn’t so easily found and while there are many, many women in the world to choose from, this particular woman is actually quite rare.  We all have qualities that make us irreplaceable to that special someone and if we model ourselves after virtuous women in the bible we become the one in a million that God so highly speaks of.  If your significant other is unable to see how irreplaceable you are maybe you need to take a trip to the boyfriend store and get an upgrade!

Your equality: Granted, men and women have very different roles within the boundaries of marriage, the fact that the wife chooses to submit to her husband as the head in marriage does not make her input, opinions or suggestions any less valuable or her role any less important.  In the bible it states that women are the weaker vessels, but it also states that the men are to honor her as a result of it.  Women are afforded the same salvation, grace, forgiveness and love promised to men.  Galatians 3:28 puts it this way: There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

Your intelligence:  I suppose one out of three isn’t bad in Franco’s defense as brains was one of his three B’s, but a man should love your brain long before he’s made love to your body.   Dating without fornication is a great time to get to know someone without the would be distractions of physical sex.  I regret the fact that I delved into sexual relationships with boyfriends in the past because it got in the way of us getting to truly know each other at times.  Hopefully, your mate enjoys having conversations with you, hearing your points of view and heeding your advice if it be wise.  Speaking from experience, if you have a long-term mate that is constantly dismissive of your views or rarely seeks your advice on pertinent issues in his life you may have a long, hard road a head, especially if you decide to marry him.  In Proverbs 31 we see that the virtuous woman speaks with wisdom, she is hard-working and doesn’t worry during seasons of winter because she was smart enough to prepare ahead of time.  I can bet she was one of her husbands main confidants and counselors as it tells us that his heart safely trusted in her.  So release your inner nerd and let your geek flag fly, the man meant for you will only love you all the more for it!

Your God: A man who knows you, should be able to see the God in you through your daily interactions together and optimally, in turn, will encourage growth in your relationship with God.  It could become extremely problematic if you set your standards as a child of God and he continually attempts to cross those boundaries.   If he constantly tries to get you into bed, take things further than you would like, speaks to you in a mean, harsh or vulgar way, disrespects you or treats you anything less than a lady he definitely doesn’t recognize or at the most respect the God within you.

God bless
Court

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The 9 ‘R’s to getting your happy back after a break up

Relationships are inevitable, we date and breakup all the time, especially if you’re doing it the worlds way. I have been in a relationship that ended horribly and one that ended pretty amicably, so I guess in essence I’ve done it the wrong and right way. With one of my ex’s I’ve wallowed in the never-ending sadness of what if’s and in another I rejoiced because I felt as if I could breath for the first time in years! I understand that every break up is different and every tactic may not work for everybody, but my hope is that if you are going to a rough time right now this post may bring a little relief to your situation and a little joy to your pain, because I know it all too well.

1. Remove: The first R is to remove any and everything that might remind you of your ex, delete numbers, text, and get rid of mementos. This isn’t to say you have to toss everything, try storing items in that dark corner wayyyyyy in the  back of the garage or giving them to a trusted friend.   Let go of  it until you can look at the items without a flood of memories or regret washing over you.  And who really wants to see their ex with someone else so do yourself the favor and block or unfriend them from social media, if only for the moment.

2. Release: You have to let go of what could have been, because it probably will never be.  The only time we have is in the present, the past is history and the future will never come as you expect it. So, give it to God and let it go. Of course you will be hurt and sad by the loss of a relationship, but eventually you’ll have to stop crying over spilt milk. Release the idea of having that wedding or what your kids would have looked like so that you can usher in a new and brighter future whatever it may be.

3. Retrain: Your brain that is.  You have to start thinking differently about the person. It’s always when we break up with someone that they become the best thing since sliced bread. But many times, we’re giving them way too much credit. Not to say that you have to degrade or down the person, but the relationship had to end for some reason.  Was the person too sloppy, annoying, a poor communicator or did you guys just not have any compatibility or commonality.  Whenever you’re tempted to remember  how great the relationship was retrain your thoughts to remember the reasons you’re in this predicament now if you have to write them down.

4. Renew: In the bible it states that we are transformed by the renewal of our minds with the word of God. (Romans 12:2). This is so very true, because the word of God is alive it has the ability to change us from the inside out. Use this time to give your all to God, read the bible, pray and study. Date Jesus, he already loves you enough to die for you and is waiting with open arms. He will never, never reject you so run to him and not into the arms of another man.

5. Revive: Was there something that you really enjoyed doing, but in the chaos of life got lost somewhere down the line. Do you have dreams that are near death or passions that could use a little resuscitation? Well, now is the perfect time for a revival of all things you! Think of three things you enjoy doing or have always wanted to do and begin researching how to get started.   Research mentors, community organizations, near by classes or if it’s something you can do immediately like writing get to it!

6. Rekindle: Remember that friend you kind of, sort of neglected whenever you were with your boo? Call them up and let them know you miss their company and apologize for being MIA. One thing I’ve learned is that having (true) friends is one of the most important things in life. Usually you’ll find that they are right there when you need them regardless of the distance or time spent apart. But once you get a new boo (and I’m quite sure you will), don’t kick your friends to the curb please!   Always make time for them in your life.

6. Refocus: If you look at the lessons instead of the loss changing the way you look at the break up can help tremendously. How has the relationship developed you? Do you know more of what you don’t want in a partner? Have you come closer to realizing how to love someone or even what love is? Did it force you to be less selfish? These are all great life lessons to learn that unfortunately only relationships and heartache can teach. The best thing about a break up is that they can make you a better you if you. Sometimes, you become more perceptive of red flags, less judgemental, a tad more mature, increasingly sure of what you do and don’t want or are willing to accept and less selfish. Allow the break up to make you better and not bitter.

7. Rethink: Do your thoughts seem to shift back to that person not matter what you’re doing? You could be at work, reading, or surfing the internet and something always seems to trigger a thought about them. unfortunately these thoughts may continue to cross your mind for a while but the trick is to not let your thoughts control you. It’s as simple as thinking about something else or putting your all into what you’re doing. When this happens try closing your eyes and focusing on the breaths that you take and nothing else or meditate on a memorized scripture which is even better.

8. Regift: Right now you feel awful, but guess what you aren’t the only one. People go through break ups all the time. Instead of internalizing everything, you can use the pain as a gift. Pray for people going through similar (or worse) situations, join an encouragement page on Facebook or support someone you know going through a tough time and if you are able to volunteer somewhere to help others do so!  There truly is nothing better than to be of service to others and knowing you are the reason for the smiles on their faces just might bring one to yours.

9. Rehappy: Yes, I just made up a word because one of the most important things you have to do is take your happiness back! I know it’s cliché, but happiness truly is a choice. Choose to be happy, elated even about the fact that God got this counterfeit out the way so that He can bring you the love of your life, now that’s something to get ecstatic about!!   You can choose to sit and wallow in saddens or you can choose to start living your life knowing that this time next year you may not even remember why you were so sad in the first place.

 

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A friend of mine and I on vacation, yes we were happy! 🙂

Six things you won’t have to do when the right man comes along

Sometimes the things that happened in the bible can read like a modern day reality tv show. I enjoy taking stories from the bible and connecting them to the modern day world and below I highlight six things you won’t have to do for the right man with some biblical examples.

1. You won’t have to manipulate him: let’s just take it from the top with this example and start with Eve (Genesis:3). Technically the serpent or devil manipulated Eve and she in turn got her husband to eat of the fruit. Prior to this incident Adam was just chilling naming animals and going about his business. Granted he had a choice & wasn’t innocent, but he had some trust in Eve as his wife and partook of her offer. Look where that got Eve (and all women to follow) kicked out of paradise, painful childbirth and enmity between women and men!

As humans we can sometimes have a tendency to be manipulative, especially to get our way. But not only is this human characteristic unattractive and not fitting for a Christian, being manipulative will most likely backfire. Manipulation can come in many forms, through conversation, psychological, actions and even the way we dress. Women know that men are visual creatures, so don’t play the role of a temptress if you know he’s trying to live right! Yes, he should be able to control himself, but why try to purposely throw him off? Obtaining the affection of a man based on manipulation will ultimately fail because usually once he finds out, he will eventually recognize your manipulative tactics and take you for being a disengienuine person Tricking someone into being with you or doing what you want isn’t a great way to begin a relationship, but it is a sure fire way to end one!

2. You won’t have to lie about who you are: Lying goes right along with manipulation. Let’s look at the story of Leah (Genesis 29:21-35, Genesis:30). For me the story of Leah is a sad one, not only did her father have lie about who she was to get her married off, no matter what she did or how many sons she bore, Jacob would never love her the way he did Rachel. Although, she got what she wanted (marriage) it was far from a happy union for her.

Now today we aren’t totally hiding our faces from our grooms on the wedding day so he’s totally clueless. But we can still pretend to be someone else, even you choose to lie about little things like enjoying sports when you don’t know a red from a white sock or being deceitful about that meal you ‘cooked’ just for him while the take out boxes sit in the trash. Yes, there are so many worldly things that tell us we have to play this game and possibly tell little white lies to make him fall for you. But guess what, if you’re lying about who you are, he isn’t falling for you, he’s falling for the woman you pretend to be. Then you have to either keep up the charade or come clean about the reality of you, lying will always hurt the relationship in the end. You should feel comfortable and confident being yourself around a person you’re interested in. If you have to lie to keep someone’s interest, is it really worth keeping?

3. You won’t have to chase him: We’ve all heard that women are hunters and men like women who are aggressive in pursuit or she that chase down a husband findeth a good thing, right? No? Me neither. Ask any man, seriously ANY man and he will say he wants to pursue a woman not the other way around. Let’s look at Joseph and Potophers wife (Genesis 39). Potophers wife was all over Joseph the minute he stepped foot in Egypt. She literally chased him down, ripping a piece of his clothing! Nits pretty obvious to most that if you have to do all that to get a man, he don’t want you. It can be difficult waiting patiently for the man God has for you, which in Potophers wife’s case was her husband as is the case for you, God willing, you just haven’t met him yet. If a man really wants something or someone in his life he will go after his desire. We are ladies worth pursuit, so if you have to chase after him most likely he doesn’t want to be caught. Chase after God and if it be His will, the desires of your heart will undoubtedly be fulfilled.

4. You won’t have to abandon your values: This is a tough one for some of us, myself included. As someone that isn’t a virgin and struggles with remaining celebaite until marriage, I recognize that sexual sin can be a beast to conquer requiring much prayer and fleeing from temptation. In addition to sexual sin, there are a ton of other thing you shouldn’t have to bend on with someone worth having in your life including your walk with God, finances and your relationships with friends or family. The woman at the well (John 4) was in the predicament of having five ex-husbands and was in an unholy relationship with what I suppose would have been her boyfriend. After a talk with Jesus, she recognized or accepted the error of her ways and was changed from that day forward. We all need to have regular talks with Jesus through reading His word and not only recognizing but repenting of and correcting our actions when we step outside the value system set in place for us as Christians. I also recommend you decide what your core values are, jot them down, discuss them with your guy and if he can’t or won’t respect your them then you probably need to have a little talk with Jesus!

5. You won’t have to play second fiddle to another woman: This one is pretty much a no brainer for some, but for those that live in a world where being a side chick is all but glorified it remains a gray area. Take a look at the story of Hannah and Peninnah (1 Samuel 1: 1-7). Granted, during this time it was common to have many wives, but Peninnah reminds me of so many women that set out to hurt the other woman, by taunting her or taking pride in their position as the mistress. Peninnah tortured Hannah to the point of depression, but still Elkanah loved Hannah and always gave her more than he did Peninnah. Although she had Elkanah as a husband, she would never truly have his heart, as is the case in many love triangles.

In today’s society being a mistress is touted as an honor on television and in music lyrics, it’s common to accept (and enjoy) playing the role as it becomes more overt. But honestly, if you are dating someone that refuses to make you a priority why keep him around as an option? There’s no better feeling in a relationship than having a man that loves you and only you! Why sell yourself short? There should be nothing to make you accept a role as the other woman especially not money, material possessions, jealousy, lonliness or insecurities. Allowing yourself to be disrespected and used in this way speaks volumes about your own internal confidence.

6. You won’t have to force him to commit: Although I don’t have a specific example of a man not wanting to commit, I will use the story of Michal and David. (2Samuel 3:12-16). Yes, Michal loved David initially, but after years of not hearing from him she had moved on to her second marriage with Pal’ti-el. When David took her back, it was clear that she and Pal’ti-el were not easily parted. She seemed bitter and upset going forward with David, even to the point of scorning him. Usually forced commitments only breed resentment and inevitable unhappiness.

Unfortunately, in today’s world titles seem to be passé. Some men (and women) don’t want to put a label on a relationship and their partners are fine with it. Ultimately, the relationship remains in limbo and allows for easy outs and countless excuses, because hey if you never officially stated you were in a committed monogamous relationship it isn’t technically cheating. I’m not condoning these actions but it is how some people think. Even if a woman is in denial about it, we all know that if he wanted to be with her, he would make it known, not only to the woman but others as well!

Here’s to a PurposeFULL life!
Court

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