Tag Archives: dating

How to get over it and get on with your life…

One thing about most relationships is that at some point they end.  Wether it’s due to a fall out, death or just a natural parting of ways, relationships change as we have come to know them, it’s inevitable.  But what happens with the collapse of a relationship that you didn’t expect or want to end as quickly as it did?  What do you do when you want to move on but just can’t seem to get the person out of your head no matter what you do?  Below I’ll give you 4 D’s that have seemed to work in my favor when trying to get over an ex.

Decide: the main thing you have to do is get your mind and heart to line up so that they are on the same page.  If the relationship ended because of something you did or if it’s an ex you can’t seem to get over you have to make up your mind that you aren’t going to focus on the past.  Realize that the could’ve beens and the what if’s aren’t going to happen and move on from there.  You have to create thoughts that are forgiving, of yourself for the wrongs you inflicted and understanding from that persons point of view.  I’ve been in relationships and friendships where I’ve allowed my selfishness, pride or emotions to ruin what could’ve been a great partnership.  But in the end I know that if I have tried to make up for it, be a better me and still it wasn’t enough I have to approach the decisions made from a different mindset.  Now, this doesn’t mean I’m off the hook and as we’re all striving towards the goal of perfection I recognize that I have to continually improve and grow.  Even if it’s not something you did and the relationship ended abruptly or before the time you thought it would, you have to let it go by focusing on forgiveness, the positivity of your future so that you can truly seek to understand and grow as a person.

Distance: Some people may be able to remain in a somewhat amicable relationship with a person after a major shift in a relationship status.  But usually, at least for a short amount of time there needs to be some distance granted.  This has to include the mental distancing as well as physical (if possible).  If you broke up with someone and you’re still hanging out, calling, texting etc as before it will be more difficult to break things off and move forward from the pain.  The creation of distance allows breathing space and speaking from personal experience the ability to move on quicker.  In a years time you probably won’t even be thinking about the person you can’t seem to get out of your head today.
Delete: if you have social media relations with the person and you find yourself constantly checking on them it may be best to either delete or block them at least for a short while.  The feelings that you have will continue to linger if you’re always trying to watch their every move, plus how would you feel if you saw them with someone else?  I’m guessing not so great, so why even put yourself through that torture?  Know that more than likely this is not the person God had for you and keep it moving.

Date:  I was once told that the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.  I’ll just start of with saying that I DO NOT believe or buy into that theory although I used to.  And what I’ve learned is that usually, you just wind up dating someone for a while and still have that one person on your mind in the end or regret wasting your time on a random.  So when I say date, I don’t necessarily mean with other men you’re romantically interested in, but make play dates with your friends and family to just be in a safe place to express yourself and have fun.  Date yourself, I’m always one for going or doing something with me because I love my company, get to know you and what you desire.  And date Jesus, make am appointed time to read his word each day and try your best to stick with it.  There’s nothing wrong with getting back out there, but just make sure your heart is whole and that you are truly ready to do so.

Develop:  The important thing is to focus on you and your life.  How will you grow from here?  How will you improve?  Ask yourself these three questions: 1. How did I assist in the demise of this relationship (recognize) 2. What does this say about me and the changes I need to make and (analyze) 3. What very specific changes will I make in my life to reach this goal (rise)?  For instance, my last relationship ended for a number of reasons, but one thing I know I didn’t do was enough encouraging or building up.  I was a proverbs 14:1 woman, just the latter of the two as I often used my mouth to tear him down when I wasn’t satisfied.  So I take ownership over that. As a result, I know I need to work on being an encourager so I’ve been reading books*, watching videos and making sure that I encourage at least one person in my life a day.  It’s not something that comes naturally for me but it’s something that I can work towards developing and I’m grateful for the chance to do so. Take the time to better yourself and make that into a priority.  Someone better will come along, they always do, the question is will you be ready when it happens? 

*Becoming an encourager on purpose by Marty Celaya is one of the books that I’ve been reading that pertains specifically to being an encourager. So far so good make sure to check it out if this is something you are looking to implement! 

God bless

Court ☺️

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Is online dating the Christian way?

Man offering a rose to a beautiful woman over laptop screenSince breaking up with my ex earlier this year I’ve had numerous people attempt to set me up with guys, get me to go out more in an effort to meet ‘the one’ and one friend in particular that was bent on ushering me back into the world of online dating. In the past I have visited that world and honestly couldn’t wait to get home!  The thought of seriously engaging in online dating made me cringe.  Having to journey through over crowded man catalogues and sorting the good from bad apples was really not something I felt mentally prepared to endure at that time.  But after knowing a hand full of people that are now happily married through online dating and listening to my friend who was recently engaged to someone she met online I saw a little bit of silver shimmer on the outer edge of that once dark cloud.  Finally, I honestly think out of wanting to fill the void of loneliness I gave into her urgings and my curiosity and opened an account.  Unfortunately, the experience was once again lack luster and my silver shimmer was soon revealed to be just some annoying glitter that clings unrelentingly to every part of your clothing and body!  My interaction on the account went from sometimey to rarely reeeeeal quick as I interacted with men that didn’t quite get where I was coming from or going.  Maybe I didn’t try long enough or was on the wrong site but one thing I struggled with was the thought that I was outside of God’s will by dating online.  I didn’t know if I was truly relying on or trusting God to bring my husband or if I was taking it upon myself to seek out a mate because I was too impatient to wait on God’s best?  If the latter was true, I already knew that things could only end badly and definitely did not want that.

Since I realized that my reasons for opening the account in the first place weren’t going to bring about a healthy return I refrained from using the site in leiu of growing my relationship with God and building a solid spiritual foundation.  I have however decided within those months that online dating is fine for Christians, at least this Christian (since I can only speak for me) if I ever decide to give it another go.  Here are three reasons why…

It is a tool:  When I decided it was time to purchase my home, I went to the interenet, the same with a car and school.   I use the interenet daily to help me get along in life and why should dating be any different?  These tools were provided to make my life  easier and options plentiful.  Believe me, I know choosing a mate isn’t as simple as buying a car but the ablitity to see what people are about, what their intentions are, if they are honest, and some general information right off the bat makes it slightly easier to choose.

God isn’t limited:  But I can choose to limit my options.  Have you ever heard the story about the man that was drowning and he ask God for help, God sends a boat (amongst other methods of escape) but the man doesn’t take it because he is waiting on God.  When the man get’s to heaven he ask God why he didn’t help him nd God is like ‘well I sent a boat’.  Yeah, I kind of feel the same way about using online dating services.  I don’t know where it says that using the services are wrong and by limiting my interaction with others I put boundaries on the people I can meet, including those that may turn out to be great friends or just people that I can be a light for by talking to them about God.  I realize God can do anything, He can bring the man for me straight to my doorstep or to my inbox online.

It does not take away from my Christian walk:  If I were to go on a blind date with someone he would know on our initial date where my head was and that I was a woman of God attempting to live my life as such.  No one night stands, no kissing etc and there’s nothing different online.  My profile statement and photograph make it clear that I’m not here for anything more than making a connection with someone whose goal is to make Christ the center of their life as well.

What are your views about Christians dating online?

God Bless,

Court 🙂

Guarding your heart when dating

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Guarding our hearts is crucial to our walk with God, in Proverbs 4:23 we learn that we are to keep our hearts with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life.  This tells me that it is an ongoing process and it will take self control and effort on my part.  Throughout the bible we see that God actually searches our hearts and in Matthew and Luke we learn that out of the mouth the heart speaks.  We can choose to store good and peaceful things or evil things in our hearts and our true character is built based on what we have built up within our hearts.  I definitely want God to be happy with what he finds in my heart so I know that I must be vigilant about protecting it and filling it with good fruit.  The heart is fragile and even in our bodies we have the ribs as protection around the physical organ so why would we think that there shouldn’t be added security around our spiritual hearts?

There are many aspects to guarding our hearts and can stem from the obvious such as the company we keep and the places we go to the not so obvious like not watching certain television shows and listening to some music.  Throughout my dating experience I have learned that making sure to protect your heart early on can save you a lot of heartache later.  Just because you feel sparks when a guy touches you or there is always excitement built around your encounters does not mean that this is God’s best for you or that you are going to be compatible in the long run.  In the past I have given my heart to boyfriends completely, only to end up heart broken as the relationship unraveled for whatever reason.  Part of the reason in each of these cases was improper protection of my heart.  I have come to a place in my life where I desire to relieve any preventable heart break and genuinely pursue relationships God’s way and under His protection or not at all.  Throughout this process, I have grown to understand that guarding my heart does not mean building an impenetrable wall or hardening my heart as I had in the past.  It does however mean placing boundaries around my heart as a safe guard to allow the right people in.  Below are five ways  I plan to use when dating going forward, let me know if you think of more!

  1. Loads of prayer! – Philppian’s 4: 6-7 tells us that we are not to be anxious for anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let our request be made known to God and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard our hearts and minds in Jesus Christ.  Of course this scripture pertains to so much more than dating but I can clearly see that the first and probably most crucial step in guarding my heart when pursuing a relationship is prayer!  Upon meeting someone that I may have an interest in I will pray for discernment, wisdom and for the Holy Spirits guidance when navigating the relationship.
  2. Release the outcome – So many times I think I held on to the thought of what I created and shaped our future as a couple to be that I failed to look at the reality of what actually was.  It’s a harsh reality, but sometimes when this is done the other person may not even be at that level in the relationship yet, so while you’re thinking about how great his last name sounds with your first he’s contimplating if he wants to see you or the other girl that he’s dating this weekend.    Just as a general  character trait (and sometimes flaw) I hate to give up on anything, but eventually realized that there comes a point when you have to let go of the future and give it to God.  Constantly thinking about the future you could have with a person rarely leaves much room for truly getting to know them in the present.   Not being tied to a particular outcome will make it a lot easier to let go of them if they turn out to be  a wrong fit.  Whereas if you have already built a mental future with a person it can be sometimes be quite difficult to even think of replacing them with someone else.  In 2 Corinthians 10:5 – we learn that we are to take every thought captive so that we can obey Christ, which means although it may be difficult I can and must control my thoughts.
  3. Practice the art of detachment  – Remaining emotionally detached  and keeping my emotions in check is easier said than done, especially if I genuinely like someone and enjoy their company.  I usually will want to spend as much time as possible with them, getting to know more about them, talking to them throughout the day etc etc.  There is nothing wrong with getting to know someone, but there is something wrong with making them the center of your life, in other words an idol.  Remaining detached and regularly realigning with what keeps you grounded (for me reading the bible, connecting with God, friends and family) on a regular basis will help you from losing yourself while finding out about your partner.  Although you will devote time to them, always keep doing you and live your life.  Being able to view that person from an grounded point of view and not one that’s emotionally charged can help make a realistically sound decision about them.  Once you have your heart and mind invested in someone it can be difficult to see things clearly sometimes to the point where even glaring red flags may be overlooked on a consistent basis.
  4. Limit physical contact – Personally once intimacy has come into play my attachment to a person goes up 100%and as Christian women we know that fornication is wrong, but there are so many other types of physical contact that can set small fires which eventually cause a huge uncontrollable roaring fire.  Even something as simple as talking about sex which can plant seeds or sending certain photos can cause a brother or sister in Christ to slip.  Early on I plan to set boundaries with my partner letting him know what types of touch and interactions I wish to reserve for more serious levels of our relationship.  Since the bible only indicates sexually immorality as a sin I think couples should do what works for them and many choose to only go out to public places, in groups, not to kiss or even hold hands initially.  In an interesting article I read on phycology today they noted that  touch is one of the most fundamental ways of fostering and communicating intimacy in a romantic relationship.*  The question is how quickly do you want to fan that flame?  Self-control will ultimately have to be practiced on both ends, especially if you’ve had sex in previous relationships.  By  limiting physical contact you create room to get to know the person on a truly intimate level and are allowing the relationship to flourish in other ways without having to lean on sex or other physical acts which can always be explored later.  God tells us that we are to flee from and put to death, like literally slay and destroy, all sexual immorality which is an earthly or fleshly desire, if not we will not inherit the kingdom of God.  Since we are His bridegroom, we can pretty much say that we are in a committed relationship with Jesus and married to Him spiritually but will refrain from cheating on Him physically!
  5. Give purpose to your dating (courting) – Although it may not always be possible, I know that clear  communication is key to making a relationship work and being on the same page as to the purpose of your union can only come about through taking the time to candidly discuss your relationship goals.  If one person wants to date for the sake of seeing where things will lead and the other is focused on marriage the relationship could take a drastic turn for the worse if these desires are never communicated.  In the same vein, both couples could be seeking marriage but one a year down the line and another ten years down the line.  I also don’t believe that communication should be limited to just talking about marriage, but also the significance of your individual walks with God and how you plan to come together to further His kingdom.  Can you do more for His kingdom as a team or as singles?  So many times people become a couple for selfish reasons, but the more I grow up in Christ I learn that relationships are for His glory and not solely for the pleasure of the two people involved.  If the relationship is within God’s will and the focus on God it will be blessed.

God bless!

Court😊

*The Power of Touch

8 dating rules mature christian women live by


If I compare my views on dating over the past three decades I can truly say that they have shifted tremendously with age and maturity.  I wanted to share some ideals that have changed in my thinking of dating over the years.  These are things that I feel most mature Christian women keep in mind when dating and rules I’ve grown to live by.  Let me know if you agree or have more to add!

1. FOMO is a disease worth preventing:  By this I mean fear of missing out on meeting the man of your dreams! You no longer feel the need to drag yourself to the club every weekend or attend social events when you’d much rather be comfy in bed simply because you’re afraid of missing that chance encounter with Mr. Perfect for you. You are able to rest in the fact that when the time comes for you to meet it will happen no matter where you are, if God wanted to he could bring him right to your door.  It’s just not that serious and your purpose for going out has less to do with meeting a man and more about the personal experience of having a great time.  Besides, most of us have been to the club a gazillion times and have  met Mr. Horrible breath, Mr. Much too pushy and Mr. Stalk you all night but never Mr. Right!

2. Resist emotional attachment:  At least until his representative exits stage left and you’re sure you can deal with his crazy, because let’s face it everyone has a touch.  You may feel the flutter of butterflies in your stomach, your words may get jumbled somewhere between your tongue and lips from nervousness when he’s around but somehow you still manage to remain planted in reality.   Your desire to take it slow, guard your heart and refusal to get caught up in the what if’s is a very intelligent move.  You realize that some relationships are sizzling hot one day and fizzle out the next so you are able to keep your emotions in check and remain observant of his actions and words. Of course after dating someone for a while thoughts of white poufy dresses, last name changes and babies may begin to infiltrate your daydreams but you definitely don’t have your wedding planned after the first few dates.

3. Date around: You get that there’s no need to become attached at the hip to a guy after only a couple of dates.  You have no problem keeping your options open as you find out where his head is and get to know him and you’re okay with him doing the same.  Of course being open and honest about the fact that there is no exclusivity until the time comes to take a more serious step is a necessity.  Granted there are people that get married after a couple of dates and it works out well for them, so if this is where God is leading you then hallelujah you’ve been blessed!

4. Make big life decisions like a boss: Waiting on someone to enter your life before you can start living it only hinders your progress as a person and possibly as a mate.  Going it alone with decisions like purchasing a home or moving to a new city can be scary, but worth it.  Although you may be fearful or nervous making a huge move alone you still do it scared, sometimes shaking in your boots scared!   The thought that you need a significant other to make a big leap in life is in my view a grave misnomer.    I’ve moved more than 1000 miles from home twice and last year took the leap into homeownership.  One of the comments I got from an older woman in my family was that the purchase was too permanent and what about marriage.  This type of thinking is fear based and I refuse to live my reality based on someone else’s and while I’ve learned a few things that I dislike (mowing the lawn being primary) I truly enjoy my humble abode.  I would encourage anyone that has the funds, desire and plans to make a giant life altering leap to go ahead and jump you will most likely soar and flying solo is actually pretty empowering.

5. Know when to opt out of dating drama:  While dating is fine, you realize that you don’t have to go out with someone simply because they ask or throw some affection your way.  While a man findeth a wife, the woman decideth to deny or accept his advances. Some times you just need a break from the entire scene or men in general and decide to take a much needed respite from dating.  Although slightly forced due to a break up, I recently gave up dating for months and grew tremendously from doing so.  I highly recommend it for anyone that has recently parted ways with a significant other or would like to make some beneficial life or character changes without the pressure of dating.

6.  You never have to prove yourself:  I can recall the countless times that I’ve met a man and before asking me about my spiritual beliefs, my background or goals he bee lines straight for what is apparently the most significant question of them all, ‘can you cook’ usually followed by ‘what you gone cook for me’.  As if being able to throw down in the kitchen automatically turned you into suzie homemaker.  The old adage tells us that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and many times a man will want you to prove that you are ‘wifey material’ prior to moving into a more serious status.  As I’ve matured in my dating style I don’t have the desire to prove much to any man and the answer that goes through my head when asked if I can cook is, yes I can cook, but why would I cook for you?  Mature women know that proving you can whip up a quick meal in a pinch or are good with money, kids etc is reserved for the man that is worthy of receiving those gifts not some random that may not be around after the third date.

7. Always remain focused:  Many times our purpose for dating is marriage as Christians, I include myself in that category as well.  I no longer date for the fun of simply going out because I don’t have the time to waste on men who aren’t marriage material.  Even if marriage isn’t your end goal, as you grow more mature you come to know what you want out of dating.  You know that time is valuable and tremendously more precious than a free meal, so you opt out of possibly unequally yoked partnerships to focus on more important things.

8. Dating does not mean sex:  As a Christian woman I have been walking the road of abstinence since my last relationship.  It’s pretty easy to do while not dating, but I know it may become a bit more difficult when I enter into another serious relationship as the temptations will surely come.  But I also know that I don’t desire to move too fast with anyone and that goes for any physical contact including hugging and kissing.  The world sells us a view of dating that goes hand in hand with sex, as Christians living for a God that calls fornication a sin, we don’t buy the hype.  I know for me l almost instantly grow more attached to the person after sex and in an effort to guard my heart chose to reserve my body for the man I marry.

God Bless
Court

Six signs you aren’t ready to be the queen to his king…

There are some signs in a person’s character that exhibit emotional immaturity and many of them don’t do well to preserve a healthy relationship.  How do I know?  Because I’m basically an expert on what not to do in a relationship as I have caught myself doing most of the things listed below.   Getting past these issues means being mindful of their presence and  consistently doing the difficult work to better yourself.  There are eighty year olds I know who aren’t ready to be in a committed healthy relationship (I’m so serious)  so maturity has little to do with age.  We can catch ourselves acting out or using some of the ploys I list below at any age and many times to a mature godly man they will serve as red flags to hit the road and never look back!  If you notice them in yourself or are trying to better yourself, don’t berate yourself just make a conscious effort to do better and with time you will.

1.  Temper tantrums:  Need I say more, if you still pout, whine, throw things and cry etc when you don’t get your way then you are basically employing the tactics of a two-year old to shift the odds in your favor.   Temper tantrums aren’t cute on a 5-year-old, let alone a 25 or 35 year-old woman.  Instead they are sure signs of mental and spiritual immaturity and that you’ve got some growing up to do before entering an adult relationship.Weeping Woman On Floor  

2. Manipulative tactics: it’s all about you and what you want and you’ll use whatever tricks are necessary to get it.   Using sex, tears or withholding affection to get your desired outcome are all manipulation tactics. Trying to get over on someone who cares for you is unfair, will cause a lack of trust and is seriously just plain trifling.  If he is a mature man he will likely grow tired of your games and leave you to play with the boys. fake tears

3. Unfair fighting:  If you use your words as weapons during arguments to inflict as much pain as possible without actually coming to blows then you don’t argue fairly.  Do you make snide remarks or throw other men in his face when he doesn’t do things your way? Do you kick him when he’s down, can’t find work or makes mistakes? A man needs respect and honor (which is basically a fancy word for more respect) from his mate. It’s sometimes easier to be mean than to choose support, gentleness or kindness but think about the long-term damage as opposed to trying to get back at them in that moment.  As women, we can sometimes have a quick tongue that can shoot venom fire balls at will and since we usually know exactly what buttons to push it’s easy to hurt a man’s pride.  Even if you’re angry always remember that sometimes the tude is unnecessary and you and your partner are on the same team! beyonce tude

4. Unwillingness to compromise:  You won’t take no for an answer, everything has to be your way or the highway & the word compromise has no place in your vocabulary.  Everyone wants what they want when they want it, but most mature adults know (and accept) the fact that they won’t always get everything in their timing.  I speak from experience because I can be as spoiled as they come and have to keep watch on this part of my character.  It’s a very selfish and self-centered way to go about life and relationships of any kind, especially a marriage as they are all about giving and taking and giving some more.  Getting to a point of being okay with compromise or actually not getting your way takes growth and loads of it, but it’s worth it to have a happy, healthy relationship. tamar gif

5. Uncontrollable emotions:  Have you ever watched the show Bridezillas and wondered how some of these women were able to date and marry someone?  Although a lot of their actions are extreme (and hopefully for the cameras), I’ve found myself thinking just that; and my next thought is usually ‘at least I’m not that bad’.  But the truth is I could very much resemble some of the women just to a lesser extent.  Yes, hormones are real but if you can’t (or won’t) try to purposefully control your emotions and consequently your actions, you’re basically like a ticking time ball and no one is going to want to be around when you explode.  The bible put’s it this way: He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.  It compares a person that can’t control themselves to a broken down city without protection, you have no barriers against thieves and looters, mainly the devil who comes to steal, kill and destroy.  In this case you are letting him steal, kill and destroy your partnership. tyra melt down

6. You don’t speak life:  I was raised in a house full of women, I also grew up with an awesome dad in my life but saw him mainly on the weekends and didn’t really get a chance to see what a positive, thriving relationship looked like.  Fast forward to today and I still struggle with not picking out the negatives and things I don’t like a bout a mate in lieu of focusing on the positives and uplifting him for those qualities.  As I’m a grown woman I can no longer use what I didn’t learn during childhood as an excuse for not building up the man in my life  today.  It takes a very conscious effort to focus on the positives and although I haven’t reached Barnabus status yet, I have learned that it is important to speak life into your relationships and situations, he’ll love you all the more for it. jerk

God bless and here’s to a purposeFULL life! Court 🙂

Single for a reason

Months ago I prayed to God to block the entrance of any man who wasn’t my husband into my life. I was (and still am) seriously done with wasting time in the dating scene. I prayed this prayer soon after my last breakup simply because I was fed up and tired.  Exhausted to be completely honest, exhausted of falling for someone only to realize years into the relationship after I had played wifey, after the cheating, the lies, the games and the fleeting dreams of marriage and a family together that we were never meant to be.  I was tired of trying to make it work with someone who hadn’t even saw value in me to make me his wife. Tired of running into men who although they say they want to do things the God way we still somehow end up in fornication. I went through this process three times during my adult life and although it may not be a lot for some, that was more than enough for me. Granted throughout the years I was no angel in relationships although I never physically cheated I kept ‘friends’ that I knew were interested in me around, I consented to fornication with my boyfriends, feared putting all my eggs into one basket and played the little petty games that many do when dating and ultimately lost.  I suppose I grew most tired of just that, losing, always coming to the end of a relationships feeling as if I had lost a piece of me that I could never get back yet again. It’s exasperating, frustrating and most of all painful, but in my case necessary for me to reach the point where I gave the heartache, the pain and the confusion to God and focused on Him.

In the past if I broke up with someone it wasn’t long before I found another man to keep me occupied while I nursed the wounds of a broken heart.  While we wouldn’t have sex I would allow myself to form an emotional attachment with them or go out just so I wouldn’t think about my ex. Neither of these were the right thing to do, because as I wouldn’t think about the pain or loneliness while I was out having fun but it was always waiting for me at home. I wasn’t fulfilled with these outings and grew to understand that I would never be, because what I wanted was so much more than an empty relationship. Although a couple of the men wanted to take it further and date seriously, something always held me back from progressing. There was no peace in the thought of spending a lifetime with them and if I couldn’t see that then I didn’t want anything more. Ultimately I would find something I didn’t like about them so I could easily keep my distance while still going out and having fun without delving too deeply into feelings even if they had them for me, basically I was led them on, which was so wrong.

Since praying the ‘anti-counterfeit’ prayer and becoming more purposeful in who I choose to spend time with, my dating life has been, shall we say, pretty nonexistent.  I have turned down dates by men that I know aren’t for me and old familiar faces have popped up every now and then but I choose to focus on my growth at this point in my life and devote time to having a stable foundation with God while still having a ball doing life.  I live my life and try to appreciate living it solo, as there may be a time when I long for the solitude I have now. I am able to travel to different places, have fun with friends, meet new people, become more involved with the church and try to simply enjoy the days as they come. There are moments of loneliness, but I realize they are just moments and the feeling passes when I remember that I am single for a reason. My reason no longer consist of bettering myself for a husband that may or may not ever show up, but becoming the woman God wants me to be, to form a deeper relationship with Him, to grow in faith and to hear His voice so clearly that I have no doubt when He whispers which way I should go. I long for a relationship like that with God and if being unattached is what brings me closer to Him then I would have it know other way.

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God Bless,

Court

But you say she’s just a friend

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The creation of security within the boundaries of a relationship should be a major priority between partners.  When this security is breached or not given the attention due it allows distrust, doubt and anger to creep through the door and settle into your relationship.  I was with someone who had a lot of friends, particularly of the female persuasion.  The issue wasn’t the gender of some of his friends but more so the way the relationships were presented and handled at least in my eyes, I’m sure he would beg to differ.  When I brought this to his attention, his stance on the issue was that they were my insecurities to deal with and had nothing to do with him.   I wasn’t completely sold on his position, but did partially agree as I believe my personal insecurities within myself are totally my responsibility to work on.  But insecurities felt in the relationship that were based on things he did or said had more than a little to do with him and vice versa.  I will admit that I may have over reacted slightly to all of his female friends initially, as I allowed my past experiences to guide my thinking many times in the relationship, but none the less I had some real concerns.

My ex had one female friend in particular, let’s call her Fern, that sent my cheating radar into alarm mode.  Granted I never found out they were anything more than friends but the entire situation didn’t sit well with me.  He initially told me they were just friends, but I found out later that they had been in a sexual relationship years prior, he still had photos and video of her in his phone, would pick her up from work and he texted or talked to her constantly.  When I began acting suspicious, I was made out to be the irrationally jealous girlfriend that just didn’t want him to have any friends, which wasn’t true at all, I just didn’t want the secrets that came along with these relationships.  This led to me looking at his other relationships with a bit more side in my eye because I wondered about what else he was hiding.  I’m not really the type to have a huge issue with my boyfriend having friends of the opposite sex as I do as well.  But I am a huge proponent of knowing exactly where the relationship stands and expect honesty.  If you are having similar concerns, I would suggest speaking to your significant other, communicating your concerns and ask them to do the following four things then watch for changes.

1. Be open and honest:  Had my ex disclosed the fact that he and this woman were more than friends in the past I may not have had such an issue with their friendship, but I felt that pertinent parts of their relationship were kept from me purposely and it made me extremely suspicious.  I understand that the past is the past and had their relationship remained in the past then fine, but she was still in his present.  You shouldnt have to feel as if you are being naggy because you ask questions about a relationship if they be reasonable and it shouldn’t be like pulling teeth to get a truthful answer.  Honesty should always be extended in regards to legitimate concerns. Relationships are all about communication, if one party feels as if that communication is one-sided it will only cause them to shut down, leave or continue the relationship in doubt, which only ends badly.

2.  Include you: if your partner and this person truly are ‘just friends’   they shouldn’t have an issue including you in their discussions or outings if that’s something you’re comfortable with.  When you enter into a serious commitment, the dynamics of your other relationships are bound to change and not necessarily for the worse, who knows you could gain a new friend out of the deal.  There were times when if I was at my ex’s house and he got a call from someone who asked what he was doing, his responses would never include me, except for with certain people in his life.  He was very selective about who knew we were together and who didn’t and I believe that Fern happened to fall into the latter category.  Had I been included in their discussions I would have felt somewhat more comfortable and not as if he was hiding the fact that we were together from her.

3. Be present: If your significant other spends tons of time on the phone or texting their friends everytime you are together, you’re bound to feel slightly neglected or at least slighted in some way, unless you’re doing the same.  I can recall a time when we were watching a movie together and he was constantly texting Fern.  Instead of focusing on our quality time he was focused on her, telling her how she would like the movie, sending memes and other messages but when I got upset and called him out about it, he saw nothing wrong with his actions.

4. Put themselves in your shoes:  I’m sure if the shoe was on the other foot, your significant other would feel some type of way, unless they really don’t care.  Unfortunately, I often learn from making mistakes and am a pro at playing tit for tat and I began doing many things to spite him.  Many of the things he did, I became guilty of and them some. Since he would constantly chat with his female friends, I began to engage more and more with my male friends (some of who I knew wanted more than a friendship), I would talk to them constantly, go out with them and entertain talk that I probably shouldn’t have.  It got to the point where I would actually be on my phone more than he was when we were together towards the end of our relationship.  This is not, I repeat not the correct way to let someone know you want them to know what you feel.  This only created a deeper divide between us, it was childish and unnecessary because it exacerbated the real issues we had.

Hope this helps someone!

God Bless,

Court

Looking back…

There are times when you may want to look back at a relatonship from the past, especially if that person pops up in your present.  Which, unfortunately usually happens right when you are almost but not completely over them.  You may find yourself thinking about them, wondering what could have been or how things should have gone.   You wonder if it was really love and if it’s possible to reconcile.  But while you’re thinking about this I would urge you to think about the qualities that caused you to break up in the first place and why you are attempting to cut ties with this person now.  Letting go isn’t easy, but sometimes it is very necessary.

You may want to hold on, but if that person has made it clear they are moving on or throwing mixed signals it’s best for your heart to keep it moving, no matter how difficult.  I’ve made the mistake of sticking around where I wasn’t wanted before.  I stuck around because he would text me every now and then thus keeping my hopes up, but I’m sure he was just comfortable and wanted me around until he found someone else (as he told me he was definitely going to date other people).  The best thing to do in this situation in my opinion is to cut ties even if it take several tries.
By doing this you are respecting and honoring yourself as well as allowing space in your life for the man of your dreams to walk right through the door.  Because think about it, if that person truly was for you, they would have been there for you.  The right person will love you past your faults, not fault you for being human… I say all this to say, don’t look back. Keep moving forward!  Just a little (almost) midweek inspiration 😉

Court

  

Statistical scare tactics

Yesterday I had a very interesting conversation with an associate. The conversation started out fine but somehow took a wrong turn once he found out I had recently broken up with my boyfriend. Once this little tidbit of information was leaked he jumped at the opportunity to tell me how I’m too old to wait for marriage, how slim the pickings were and the odds not in my favor. I entertained the conversation until he informed me that I should consider making a drastic change to my dating style, which included getting back with my previous ex because my parents liked him, dating a thug, dating one of his friends (who he had previously described as gorillas ) because I apparently need a more aggressive guy in my life, and considering the possibility of divulging in one night stands just so that I didn’t waste my time on someone that doesn’t quite measure up (his words exactly) as he gestured towards his privates! At this point all I could do was laugh and think to myself devil be gone! But I did agree with him on one thing, the fact that a change was needed!

Although yes I do want to be married I can’t for the life of me figure out why men and apparently society in general think women are so desperate to be married. I told him that I was in no rush and if it happened it happened, if not I’ve asked God to make me okay with that and I’ll have to adjust accordingly. I’ve also asked God to keep counterfeits away from me! I did not tell my associate that within a couple days if breaking up with my ex I had been asked on a date and gotten a call from my previous boyfriend wanting to rekindle our relationship. What I’m saying is that there are men out there, even if society tells us there is a shortage. I’m not buying into statistical scare tactics because I know I’m worth the wait & my husband is too. It only takes one awesome guy to recognize how special I am and he’ll come along at the right time God willing regardless of what the studies show.

The change that I’m making is to focus on other things, Jesus being my main focus while also working on strengthening my friendships and familial bonds, seeking Gods guidance on single motherhood (I’m looking into adoption & IVF) and pursuing my career. Meanwhile I’ll take the lessons I’ve learned and use them to better myself so that whatever God has in store for my future be it marriage or single motherhood I’ll be at my best.

God bless,
Court

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Single for the holidays: Combating the holiday blues!

As an unmarried 37 year old woman I realize that I may have to accept that fact that God could never send my Boaz.  It’s possible that marriage and motherhood are not for me and that I have other things to do with my life for His kingdom.  Which most days I’m fine with, however, being single through the holidays has never been easy for me and can sometimes be down right depressing.  Although, I do love seeing all the happy families, newly engaged couples and baby bumps it doesn’t make handling the fact that I am once again single during a time that is best spent with those you love.  Now, don’t get me wrong I do have family which I’m grateful for, but there would be nothing better than waking up to a loving husband and the pitter patter of little feet eagerly racing to open Christmas gifts at the crack of dawn (and I am far from a morning person).  But it isn’t my story nor is it the story of many of my friends, so it’s been on my heart to write a post about combating the holiday blues and these are some of my weapons of sad destruction to help you gear up for the season!

Prepare yourself for the onslaught of affection:  There are four months out of the year that can feel like a quadruple gut punch to a single person and Thanksgiving is usually the holiday that starts it all! There’s at least one holiday each month from November to February that is best spent with those you love. Tis the season of holiday festivities, cheerful thanksgiving, gift giving, decking the halls and of course over the top PDAs. There seems to be an exorbitant amount of kissing going on in these couple of months, under the mistletoe on Valentines day and even when the clock strikes midnight.  Unless you lock yourself in the house without television, there’s just no escape. Which, if you’ve got no one to kiss, could inadvertently result in an inordinate amount of eye rolling, sighing and gagging!  Make sure  you prepare yourself by refraining from social media if possible or just telling yourself you aren’t going to let it get you down.  Sometimes if you already know what’s coming at you or what to expect it’s easier to dodge those moments of sadness that can catch you unaware.  Try to be genuinely happy for those that are receiving love, congratulate them and pray that they receive even more.

Get your arsenal of answers ready:  If your family is anything like mine, the minute you step through the door of any holiday festivities alone is an open invitation to let the questions about your love life (or lack there of) begin rapid fire.  Although, we know these questions are coming from a good place after hearing it for so long it eventually begins to be kind of annoying. It used to make me feel like a failure and slightly incomplete as a woman, like there was something wrong with me and in my case it would be on my mind for at least half the night. Unfortunately I’ve found myself ill prepared to answer the questions, especially when they’re asked in front of everyone and all eyes are on me. It’s still awkward till this day but now I make sure I have my arsenal of answers ready to shoot back.  I’ll tell them that I’m happy single, Mr. right hasn’t come along yet, I’m not up for settling and my favorite is I’m dating Jesus now! Most importantly, remember to speak the truth in love. Unfortunately, many people equate being in a relationship with happiness and singleness as being unhappy, which is often times not the case. But more than likely your friends and family are just showing concern and want you to be happy just as much as you do!

Don your festive fatigues:  No matter how down you feel, don’t look it!  If you’re invited out to a party, get off that couch, stop wallowing and start living while definitely dressing the part of someone having the time of their life.  You never know who you’ll meet while out, it could be the love of your life or it could just be some really awesome person that you bond with for an hour, but you’ll never know unless you go!  Go without the expectation of meeting someone and just have fun!  Act goofy, dance like people are watching (because most likely they are), laugh until you cry but most importantly live.  People are usually more attracted to smiling happy people a lot more so than someone who seems like they’re trying out for the role of Oscar the grouch.

Mentally prepare for the challenge: Once you’ve altered your mindset, your battle is half done.  Up until this day I’m sometimes negative about my love life and if I’m not consciously impeccable with my words can speak ungodly things over my life in a moment of sadness.  I do believe that words truly have power and try my hardest to speak life over my situation, although I’m not always successful.  When you’re down in the dumps the last thing you’re thinking is that things will shift in your favor because all you can see right now is what’s in front of you.  But there is more life to come and although being single during the holidays can suck at times, especially if you really didn’t desire to be partnerless, it can be an awesome time in your life if you prepare yourself ahead of time!  Before you even step foot out the door be prepared to see other couples wherever you go, especially for valentine’s day and New Years.  If a relationship is something that you truly desire, it may be hard but keep in mind that your time will come and be happy for the couples you see.  Try not to compare your life to those of others, because that is one of the most unhealthy things you can do at this time and have a meditation scripture to focus on in moments of sadness to bring you back to a place of wholeness in Christ.  I put five below, today I will keep on my mind ‘He will not leave you or forsake you’ and repeat it as much as possible especially during times of sadness or frustration to remind myself that even thought I don’t have a physical husband, God is always by my side.

  • Matthew 21:22 – And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive
  • Proverbs 30:5 – Every word of God [is] pure: he [is] a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
  • Psalms 37:4 – Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
  • Psalms 126:5 – They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.
  • Deuteronomy 31:6 (ESV)Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Apply your camouflage: Have you ever heard of faking it until you make it?  Well it may be beneficial in this instance, not necessarily being phony or lying but you can let people know how you feel but still resist the urge to dwell on negative feelings even if you want to.  When someone ask you how you are, be honest if you’re feeling down about being single but remind them (and yourself) of all the great things you have to be thankful for in life.  Every conversation shouldn’t be an opportunity to drop a sad bomb.  Take the time to think of some things you’re grateful for now, your health, your children (or in my case my dogs), family, a job there are so many things.  Reminding yourself of the fact that this too will pass and that you still have a full life without a mate can sometimes work wonders on keeping you in a positive place.  Recite and repeat as often as necessary.

Thank God for winning the small battles: Christmas and Valentines are a great time to spend money and blow a budget if you’ve got a significant other so thank God that you don’t!  You can choose to stash the money or splurge and give yourself a gift.  But whatever you do is totally up to you and no one else, which is one of the perks of singlehood.  Treat yourself to a movie, throw a party for your single friends, buy a new dress or a trip if your budget allows.  Besides doesn’t sitting on a sunny beach somewhere, toes in sand and drink in hand, sound much better than trudging through the cold and snow!?

Always remember what your Commander-in-Chief said:  If we look in our bible it tells us that it is good for single people to remain single because at this time in our lives we are able to devote so much more time to the Lord.  I am guilty of not using my time as wisely as I should but whenever I am intentional about spending time with God I always, always feel better about my situation.

1Corinthians 7:8 (ESV) – to the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am.

1 Corinthians 7:32-35 ESV : I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

God bless and Have a wonderful holiday (single) season!  You’re in my prayers and here’s to a purposeFULL life!

Court 😉

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