Tag Archives: christian relationships

The 9 ‘R’s to getting your happy back after a break up

Relationships are inevitable, we date and breakup all the time, especially if you’re doing it the worlds way. I have been in a relationship that ended horribly and one that ended pretty amicably, so I guess in essence I’ve done it the wrong and right way. With one of my ex’s I’ve wallowed in the never-ending sadness of what if’s and in another I rejoiced because I felt as if I could breath for the first time in years! I understand that every break up is different and every tactic may not work for everybody, but my hope is that if you are going to a rough time right now this post may bring a little relief to your situation and a little joy to your pain, because I know it all too well.

1. Remove: The first R is to remove any and everything that might remind you of your ex, delete numbers, text, and get rid of mementos. This isn’t to say you have to toss everything, try storing items in that dark corner wayyyyyy in the  back of the garage or giving them to a trusted friend.   Let go of  it until you can look at the items without a flood of memories or regret washing over you.  And who really wants to see their ex with someone else so do yourself the favor and block or unfriend them from social media, if only for the moment.

2. Release: You have to let go of what could have been, because it probably will never be.  The only time we have is in the present, the past is history and the future will never come as you expect it. So, give it to God and let it go. Of course you will be hurt and sad by the loss of a relationship, but eventually you’ll have to stop crying over spilt milk. Release the idea of having that wedding or what your kids would have looked like so that you can usher in a new and brighter future whatever it may be.

3. Retrain: Your brain that is.  You have to start thinking differently about the person. It’s always when we break up with someone that they become the best thing since sliced bread. But many times, we’re giving them way too much credit. Not to say that you have to degrade or down the person, but the relationship had to end for some reason.  Was the person too sloppy, annoying, a poor communicator or did you guys just not have any compatibility or commonality.  Whenever you’re tempted to remember  how great the relationship was retrain your thoughts to remember the reasons you’re in this predicament now if you have to write them down.

4. Renew: In the bible it states that we are transformed by the renewal of our minds with the word of God. (Romans 12:2). This is so very true, because the word of God is alive it has the ability to change us from the inside out. Use this time to give your all to God, read the bible, pray and study. Date Jesus, he already loves you enough to die for you and is waiting with open arms. He will never, never reject you so run to him and not into the arms of another man.

5. Revive: Was there something that you really enjoyed doing, but in the chaos of life got lost somewhere down the line. Do you have dreams that are near death or passions that could use a little resuscitation? Well, now is the perfect time for a revival of all things you! Think of three things you enjoy doing or have always wanted to do and begin researching how to get started.   Research mentors, community organizations, near by classes or if it’s something you can do immediately like writing get to it!

6. Rekindle: Remember that friend you kind of, sort of neglected whenever you were with your boo? Call them up and let them know you miss their company and apologize for being MIA. One thing I’ve learned is that having (true) friends is one of the most important things in life. Usually you’ll find that they are right there when you need them regardless of the distance or time spent apart. But once you get a new boo (and I’m quite sure you will), don’t kick your friends to the curb please!   Always make time for them in your life.

6. Refocus: If you look at the lessons instead of the loss changing the way you look at the break up can help tremendously. How has the relationship developed you? Do you know more of what you don’t want in a partner? Have you come closer to realizing how to love someone or even what love is? Did it force you to be less selfish? These are all great life lessons to learn that unfortunately only relationships and heartache can teach. The best thing about a break up is that they can make you a better you if you. Sometimes, you become more perceptive of red flags, less judgemental, a tad more mature, increasingly sure of what you do and don’t want or are willing to accept and less selfish. Allow the break up to make you better and not bitter.

7. Rethink: Do your thoughts seem to shift back to that person not matter what you’re doing? You could be at work, reading, or surfing the internet and something always seems to trigger a thought about them. unfortunately these thoughts may continue to cross your mind for a while but the trick is to not let your thoughts control you. It’s as simple as thinking about something else or putting your all into what you’re doing. When this happens try closing your eyes and focusing on the breaths that you take and nothing else or meditate on a memorized scripture which is even better.

8. Regift: Right now you feel awful, but guess what you aren’t the only one. People go through break ups all the time. Instead of internalizing everything, you can use the pain as a gift. Pray for people going through similar (or worse) situations, join an encouragement page on Facebook or support someone you know going through a tough time and if you are able to volunteer somewhere to help others do so!  There truly is nothing better than to be of service to others and knowing you are the reason for the smiles on their faces just might bring one to yours.

9. Rehappy: Yes, I just made up a word because one of the most important things you have to do is take your happiness back! I know it’s cliché, but happiness truly is a choice. Choose to be happy, elated even about the fact that God got this counterfeit out the way so that He can bring you the love of your life, now that’s something to get ecstatic about!!   You can choose to sit and wallow in saddens or you can choose to start living your life knowing that this time next year you may not even remember why you were so sad in the first place.

 

2015/01/img_7292.png
A friend of mine and I on vacation, yes we were happy! 🙂
Advertisements

The Art of Friendship…

Your friends and loved ones are inside the inner most core of your sphere of influence. I have learned that who you associate and surround yourself with is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself. In other words your friends are truly a reflection of you. Your relationships especially the friends you choose are extremely important in your walk with God. At times they could mean the difference between back sliding and pressing forward towards Him. It is important to choose friends that will uplift, support, encourage and understand your walk with God. If your friends are constantly trying to get you to do things you know are wrong, are always discouraging the things you try to do for the Kingdom or just have a general negative attitude about your journey you may want to consider loving them from a distance. At least until you are stable enough in your walk with Christ to resist the pull of the world. As Christians our goal is to bring people closer to God not have them pull us towards worldly ways. In 1 Corinthians 9:27 Paul says ‘But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway’. So it is possible that after all of our attempts to show people the light that we ourselves can be castaway if we do not practice self-control and continually renew our minds and spirits with the word.

In order to have healthy and Godly friendships we have to know how to be a great friend. This is one thing that I try to be purposeful about in my life because I truly value the positive, genuine friendships that God has given me to develop while on earth. Just as in any relationship, communication, listening and speaking life into your friend is so very important. I didn’t always have great friendships and I had to learn how to be a friend to the people God had placed into my life. Growing up I was bullied in school a LOT, I can remember going home crying most days because I was this socially awkward, uber quiet, lanky girl that was the tallest female in my grade (any grade) to top it off I had super short hair that refused to allow a little thing like a comb or brush to tame it. Basically, think of a black Olive Oil with a fro-perm! Unfortunately I never stood up for myself and would allow others to walk over me and speak to me any type of way. I ate their words, literally internalizing them and they manifested in the form of tears, hurt and self hatred. The more I heard that I was ugly, had nappy hair, was a nerd and weirdo the more I believed it. I brought a lot of those feelings about myself into my adult life through insecurities and negative self talk. I didn’t like me, I didn’t know who and whose I was. Yes, bullying can affect people so much that they carry it with them for years! But because of these insecurities and lack of self-love, I didn’t feel worthy of love. I allowed people to surround me that didn’t have my best interest at heart, this included friends and romantic partners. They would call me a friend to my face and talk about me behind my back, steal from me or make fun of me I would laugh with them on the outside but tears filled me internally. My boyfriend at the time claimed to love me, but the relationship was filled with anger and abuse because neither one of us knew how to love, ourselves or each other. Now there were a couple of people that I believed to be true friends and they are still around today, two people to be exact, but some people I truly had to learn to love from afar. I can remember going through an ordeal with one of my then friends where everything came to a head and I had to stop speaking to her. It was difficult because I thought we were best friends. She wasn’t a bad person at all, but not someone that uplifted and encouraged me. Around this time I wrote a letter to God to bring me friends where our relationship would be one of mutual support and genuine sisterly love. And guess what! God has answered my prayers, because that’s just what He does! God has since sent some awesome people my way that I truly love and consider chosen family. I have positive, uplifting and inspiring relationships with them and best of all they push me towards God through conversations, bible studies, invites to spiritual events and much more. This is in part because I learned that in order to have great friends, you have to be a great friend. I had to search my own heart and see where I contributed to my friendships in the past falling apart or why I chose those type of people to have in my circle. I make a conscious effort to check my selfishness at the door, to remember important things going on in my friend’s lives and to make a special effort to reach out and keep in touch. Because I’m human I fail, but when I do I woman up and attempt to make it right. Many times the efforts we have to make are small but there are times our friends will need us most, a big move, an illness or loss of a loved one and we should always try to be there for them. So often when we get boyfriends or husbands we forget about our sister friends that we traveled with while single or life just gets busy and we can forget to cultivate and tend to these relationships. But if we want the sweet fruit of a genuine, supportive, caring relationship we have to put in the work and effort to make it grow and blossom. My girlfriends are my confidents, my sisters in Christ and my truth tellers when I don’t want to hear the truth. I can count the number of people on one hand that I consider true friends and honestly quantity means nothing to me without quality so I’m extremely grateful for the few I have. I thank God for my friends and the things I went through growing up, it made me so much more appreciative of them and without the occurrences in my past I wouldn’t have a story to tell which hopefully will help others master the art of friendship.

Here’s to a purposeFULL life #kingdomfocused
Court

Hebrews 10:24-25 (ESV) And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

20140708-220007-79207588.jpg
One of my good friends and I white water rafting in Costa Rica, I highly recommend it!

Continue reading The Art of Friendship…