Although I don’t know much about being married, I could write the book on being single or worse the perpetual girlfriend! I am starting a short series on singleness and some of my stories of singlehood today. As I learn what it means to be in a committed relationship, to love a man in the way that Jesus commanded and how he is to love me (Ephesians 5:22-33, Matthew 19:2-9); I can honestly see why my past relationships have failed. Although I don’t have all the answers my hope is to help women as they go through the dating (and even better courting) phase of life.
Have you ever been at a point in a relationship where you just wanted attention? And I mean ANY type of attention from your mate even if it wasn’t positive. Or have you let your emotions get the best of you and said something just to cause a reaction from someone else? Well, I have and to be perfectly honest with you, I have done it in all of my relationships. I have only had three seriously committed relationships in my years here on earth, but they have all been eye opening experiences. With each relationship I learned something new about what I want from a man, my desires for the type of relationship I would like to have and most importantly new things about myself. One thing I realized or rather accepted is that I was acting like a spoiled brat sometimes! In relationships, I often wanted things my way or the highway! If you didn’t have time to talk to me or were taking too long to get back to me, I would get upset and pass that anger along in a mean or condescending text. If there was something that I wanted to do that conflicted with what my partner had planned I would be upset and try to make him do what I wanted. It was a very unhealthy way of life for both of us and ultimately I’m sure my selfish and bratty ways helped to place a divide between us.
I have grown enough to recognize this as one of my flaws and as God continues to reveal more of my fleshly ways I am able to humbly ask him to change my life from the inside out. I truly want him to create in me a new heart and renew a right spirit within me because one day he will send my earthly husband and if I act the way that I have in the past that man will flee with the quickness! When we ask God to change something within us (or for anything) we have to have faith that it is done, so I thank God today for changing my heart and making me into a more mature godly woman. There also must be no doubt or double-mindedness in that faith (James 6-8) and we also must begin to operate as changed women. Faith without works is dead (James 2:14-26), we must act upon what we know which means using our self-control at times when it’s hardest. It can be quite difficult not to push someone’s buttons especially when they are so close to you that you know exactly what buttons to push to get the reaction you desire. It isn’t that we won’t feel that anger or need for attention bubbling up inside us but as mature women in Christ we put away childish and manipulative tactics (1Corinthians 13:11) and begin instead to build our houses up as wise women do (Proverbs 14:1). It takes a lot of will power, discipline and reliance on God (at least for me) but it’s well worth it in the end when you are able to recognize that wonderful growth through God within yourself.
Scriptures that help me:
Psalm 141:3 – Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips
Psalm 51:10 – Create in me a clean heart O God; and renew a right spirit within me
Proverbs 16:32 – He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city
I long to hear from the Lord and to have a much deeper connection with my heavenly father. I know people that say they can hear God speaking to them about certain situations in their lives and I want that for my life as well. Recently, I was very upset and saddened by falling apart of a two year relaionship, to say the least I was heartbroken. I desperately needed to hear from God and to know his will for my life. I began a fast as I knew that somethings will only come about through prayer and fasting. (Matthew 17:21) Although, I did not hear an audible voice during this time of fasting and prayer I felt closer to God as I shut out the rest of the world and focused on Him. At the end, I didn’t want to stop! I would recommend fasting as a means of removing yourself from the world, shifting your focus onto Him and relying on God to fulfill your desires. I am still on my journey to hear from God and to recognize His voice beyond a shadow of a doubt because I know he speaks to me, I’m just not sure that I am listenting. In the bible there are many pepole that fasted, but during my time of fasting I thought a lot of Ester. She fasted for three days before a huge, life altering decision that if gone wrong could have ended her life. In no way was I fasting for an answer to a life or death situation, but I was still seeking answers. One thing the fast showed me was the fact that I had to trust in God and rely on Him, in times of hunger and wanting to give up I leaned on and trusted in Him to feed me through his daily bread, His word. (Deut 8:3; Matt4:4; Luke 4:4) During my time of fasting I also began to thank God for my heartbreak ironically! Because if it hadn’t happened I never would have relyed so heavily on His word, during this small trial. James says to count it all joy when we go through trials and temptations for through faith in God those difficult times mold and deveop us into more patient and whole people. (James 1:2-4) One more awesome thing occured during my time of fasting, I had a dream where I was told to go to christian.org. Prior to the dream I had never heard of the website and now this is where I begin my journey into blogging and online journal that I hope through God’s saving grace will be of help others!
Scriptures that helped me during my fast:
Psalms 51:10 – Create in me a clean heart O God and renew a right spirit within me.
Provers 3:5 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
Fly – Jason Upton
Have Mercy – Out of Eden
Break Every Chain – Tasha Cobbs (but there are multipl versions)