Category Archives: dating & relationships

What to do with a broken heart…

I honestly believe that everyone get’s over a broken heart differently, there are a myriad of ways. But one thing we should all do is to give that brokenness to God. Recently when I was going through a breakup one of my friends told me that ‘brokenness makes room for God’ and that is true. In this situation (as in many) it ultimately did bring me closer to God. I gave my heartache to Him in exchange for His peace and the security that everything would work out for my best. I had to trust Him. Therefore the first pointer for getting over heartbreak is to focus on God and his will for your life. It could be that that person was just a chapter in your story and their part is over it could also be that you need some time apart and the relationship could rekindle later. But regardless, God wants you to draw closer to Him and he will draw closer to you (James 4:8).

Give it up: Give your brokenness to God. Read his word so he can comfort you, reach out to Him so He can hold you, pray to Him so he can speak words of love to your heart, cry out to Him so he can protect you and praise Him so He can bring you new joys into your life. Yes, He alone can turn your mourning into dancing so allow Him to do so.

Mind over matter: get your mind off of the matter. I know that it’s easier said than done and it can be extremely difficult not to think about that person but you have to get your mind off of them. Your mind has to be trained to not focus on things you don’t want to, try not to rehash conversations over and over in your mind.  When these things pop in your head make it a point to drown it out with something constructive.  Of course, I don’t recommend doing anything that would cause you to back slide or be detrimental to your well being like drown your sorrows in drugs or alcohol, overeating or go in debt while shopping your sadness away as I used to. I learned the hard way that those things only lead to further frustration and complications in the long run. Instead, find beneficial ways to keep those thoughts at bay. Read a book (or The good book), watch positive YouTube videos, talk to friends, do something you love like writing or dancing.  What helped me was writing, I journaled, blogged or wrote in my book.  If you find something that you are passionate about many times this will consume much of the time you would spend pondering about your past love.

Ditch social media: or at least that persons social media sites for a while. This can be hard to do but I would almost say it’s a must! Trust, You will want to know how they are doing or if they’re seeing someone else but ultimately you are only torturing yourself! And if they are not mature or are petty they may post things just to get under your skin because they know you can’t resist the urge to peek. Plus Facebook stalking is just not cool, do yourself a favor and stay away!

Do not reach out and touch: When we break up with someone we can find every reason in the book to reach out to them. If we see a piece of their hair on the floor we’ll want to call to ask if they want it back. But you have to be strong, remember all the reasons you broke up, the reasons it did not or could not work. Know that communicating or seeing that person will make it even more difficult to let go and will probably cause more heartache in the long run. If that person has asked for some space be respectful and give them what they asked for.

Dump the memories: Relationships are messy and usually there is no black and white. Sometimes it can be a break up to make up type of situation, but if you know for certain you are over make sure you get rid of things that will remind you of that person. You don’t have to burn or dump it (unless they don’t want it) but the post office delivers so give them a try.

Forgive them: Ultimately you will have to forgive that person for anything they did to you and you will have to forgive yourself. Understanding that hurting people hurt people allows you to eventually let go of that pain without excusing them from their wrongs.  Think briefly about why they may have done what they did; ask yourself if how they were raised, or treated in past relationships may have contributed to their actions. People are only human which means they are flawed, none of us get it perfect so unforgiveness is not an option.

Get on with your life: Go out with friends, volunteer, work out, travel, become more active in your church, if you have kids get more involved with them. Whatever you do learn to enjoy your life and the place where God has you at this moment. One year from now your heart won’t ache and you may not even be thinking about that person, know that trouble does not last always and choose happiness over despair.

Help others, especially those in your situation: There are people out there in your same situation, everyone in the world has or will experience some type of heart break in their lives. Many times it is said that the best way to get over your situation is to help others through theirs, so reach out to hurting people and if this isn’t a possibility definitely pray for them.

Focus on the gain: Instead of focusing on what you lost, think of all the things you have gained by letting go of this relationship, especially if it was a toxic one. Yes many of us long to be tied to someone in a relationship, sometimes to our detriment, but right now you have freedom and there are many perks to having it!

Look at the bright side: Know that all things will work out for your good and that the best is yet to come. God has got this and now that Mr. or Mrs. wrong is out of the picture, it makes room for Mr. or Mrs. right to come on in. So take this time to ready your head and heart for their arrival!

Seek counseling:  If you feel yourself spiraling into a depression or a deep sadness I would recommend counseling.  Seeing a professionally trained counselor as well as a spiritual counselor can help tremendously in these situations.

I would like for us to pray for the lonely, the brokenhearted and those that feel hopeless. For them to know that God will always be by their sides and that they will allow His love, peace and joy to fill their hearts. I also pray that they understand that Jesus is the lover of our souls and our ultimate soul mates and if it is His will that God fulfills all the desires to have earthly mates as well.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18).

God Bless,

Court

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Wolves & Sheep

Sometimes when dating we find ourselves entangled in wrong relationships which can lead to the creation of unholy soul ties and unnecessary heart ache. (you can read more about soul ties here). Many times we trust what we see and hear with our worldly senses and ignore God’s voice or our spiritual senses. A wolf in sheep’s clothing can seem to have it all together a nice home, car, be a tithing member of a church and be able to spout bible verses like he himself wrote a couple chapters But as we all know even the devil has biblical knowledge and just because he is able to quote the bible like the back of his hand does not mean he is a man of God. Many people can speak or hear the good word and never put into action the things they know or even have the desire to truly walk the walk.
Here are some questions to ask when you are trying to figure out if you’re dating a wolf in sheep’s clothing. What are his actions showing you? Does he truly value your walk with God or does he do things that poke fun at your devotion to God? Is he truly exhibiting Christ like characteristics and attempting to abide in Christ? Does he say he understands your desire to wait until marriage to have sex but then constantly pressure you about it? Does he say you all will pray or attend church together but never follow through? Does he understand the true consequences of sin (Romans 6:22, James 1:15)? Does he know that sexual immorality is the only sin we commit against our own bodies (1 Corinthians 6:18) and that sin creates a rift or separates you from the most high God (Isaiah 59:2). James 4:22 (NIV) says that anyone then who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins. Would you want to date someone that ultimately brings you further from Christ, someone that will draw you closer to the world and not to God? God said we have a choice to make and it is either Him or the world (1John 2:15 and James 4:4) choose wisely!

Also in all things we must make sure that our hearts our in alignment with what God would want, so make sure you are upholding your standards and conducting yourself as a woman of God. Pit your character and qualities against the questions asked above as well to make sure you are not causing your brother in Christ to fall.

Happy Courting,
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Unequally Yoked – Part 2: My story

I can remember going out on a few dates with this guy that was tall, dark and F-I-N-E! He seemed to have his life together financially, had two cars a house and he loved animals as much as I did. We had a bunch of things in common, our love of travel, adventure sports and skating to say the least. When we were out people would compliment us and tell us we made a cute couple and every time I would go out with him I would wonder if this could be it, could he be the one! But let’s pump the brakes here, because two things did bother me about him: 1. He drank a lot in my view and 2. Although he was Christian he had no desire to grow in his walk with God. I would say things to myself like well, I have to accept people where they are and you never know sometime in the future his desire to know God may begin to grow. But no matter how much I tried to rationalize it, I knew that we were not equally yoked at this point in time of life. I wanted someone that was crazy about God, recognized His importance in their lives and would passionately pursue Him.
The night he asked me if I wanted to take our relationship further and become exclusive, I had visions of us going to church together, praying and studying together, but in real life he didn’t even want to attend bible study with me! This ladies, is where we sometimes allow ourselves to view things the way we want them as opposed to as they really are or think we can by some magical power change this man into who we want. It isn’t fair to him and it rarely works out for us! But there I was, about to delve into another relationship that I knew would leave me unfulfilled, unhappy and once again able to claim the not so prestigious perpetual girlfriend title. I knew in my heart that our relationship would look great from the outside but on the inside I would never be satisfied. My cousin that had met and liked him thought I was crazy when I stated that I wouldn’t keep seeing him in that capacity. Although he was raised in a religious house hold he wasn’t concerned with growing closer to God at this time and that would always be a problem from me. If I became yoked with him there was the possibility of me moving further and further away from Christ and my goal was just the opposite. Now it is possible that I could have drawn him closer to God, which would be the best scenario, but am I going to bet my future on the possibility of something happening that he didn’t desire at the time? And I say my future because I do not date just to date, I date with the purpose and intention of marriage.
In the end, we still text every now and then to catch up, but I know nothing more will come of our relationship at least right now and I’m fine with that because I know that I want a husband that will push me closer to Christ. This is in no way an insult to him, because we all move closer to God in our own timing. But I would like to date and eventually marry a man that knows what it means to be the godly leader of a house hold and practices the biblical principles of a marriage. Someone that I won’t have to fight off every two seconds because they don’t understand the impact of fornication or moving outside of God’s will (1 Corinthians 6:18-20). A man that will be able to minister to our family and wash me with the word of God. (Ephesians 5:25-27 & 1 Corinthians 13:4-7). It will be impossible for him to do that if he doesn’t know God or have that desire for relationship with Him. Sometimes even when we don’t want to, we just have to keep it moving and know that as long as we walk with God, He will illuminate our paths as we do (Psalm 119:105).
Scriptures: 2 Corinthians 6:14 – Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
Here’s to a purposeFULL life!
Court

Unequally yoked – part 1: breaking it down…

It is found in 2 Corinthians 6:14 that we are not to be unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

Let’s take a minute and break this verse down with a brief look at the definitions (Webster) so we can gain a clearer understanding of what this really means. ‘The phrase “unequally yoked together” is the translation of just one Greek word, heterozugeo, which is a compound word that means, “to yoke up differently; to associate discordantly; unequally yoke together.” It is used but this one time in the Bible.’ (bible-truths.com)

-unequally: not like or not the same. Badly balanced or matched
-yoke: to become joined or linked
-unbelievers: a person who does not believe something; especially : a person who does not believe in a particular religious faith
-fellowship:common; the relationship of people who share interests or feelings

So, looking at the definitions we can determine that we are not to be linked to people or have intimate relatioinships with those who do not believe in God.

In my opinion, I believe being unequally yoked does not only apply to being bonded to atheist or nonchristians, but also those that don’t have a passion pr a mind for Christ. Here is an article that breaks it down a little further.

Single and patient…

I was speaking to a friend today and she was filling me in on her marriage woes. Without getting to deep into anyone else’s business, it’s a fairly new marriage and they are more unhappy than not with each other as they attempt this life long journey of growth together. In the midst of her complaining about him, I found myself express, “OMG, I am so glad that I’m not married!” Now, In hindsight, I realize that was a little selfish as many of my friends use me as a sounding board and I would never want to make any of them feel alienated. Secondly, I should have stated that I am so glad that I’m not unhappily married as we can speak life or death over our situations and lives (Proverbs 18:21). But it even shocked me when I felt it come over me, because I truly meant it with everything in me. This was a new feeling as I had been so focused on wanting a relationship that I had rarely taken the time to thank God for saving me from the wrong unions! I have no desire to deal with the drama, arguing and pain that comes along with a union to the wrong person (not saying that was my friends situation at all). I came to the conclusion that I would be much happier single and at peace than married and constantly at war. My relationships in the past have been full of drama, abuse and pain, although there were definitely good aspects to each I could have done without the negative parts. Granted, the negativity was because God was not the head of our unions and partially a result of my insecurities and actions which I can now take accountability for. But as God instills in me the patience to wait on His best I grow more and more overjoyed in the fact that I haven’t made the mistake of marrying the wrong man. Or on the flip side that I haven’t scared off my Adam because my heart wasn’t prepared for a union that would glorify God.

Because I am currently doing a bible study on self control, I was reading about the Stanford marshmallow experiment. This experiment was done many years ago by a psychologist Walter Mischel. In the experiment, children were offered a choice between one small marshmallow immediately or two marshmallows if they could wait and practice delayed gratification. In follow up studies the researchers showed that the children that were able to wait longer tended to have better life outcomes. I know that with living in such a now centered society the thought of practicing patience and delayed gratification may seem archaic; But what if God wants to give us as many marshmallows as we want and were settling for one measly marshmallow because we can’t control our own desires of immediate indulgence. What if God has His best for us, but because we simply won’t wait for His timing we forfeit it all because of impatience or we have to wait even longer like the Israelites out in the wilderness for forty years on a journey that should have taken them 11 days! (Deuteronomy 1:2) As children of God how long must we go around this same mountain of singleness because of complaining, wrong thinking, frustration or impatience? And I say we because I include myself and need reminders every now and then as well! If we practice patience in this one area of our lives I believe it will also enrich other aspects of our lives and be well worth it in the end.

One huge perk of singleness is the time allowed to renew your spirit, ready your heart for a partner and grow in God, so take advantage of it. We can rest assured and be at peace because we know that if God placed the desire of marriage in our hearts, he will fulfill that longing, exceedingly and abundantly beyond what we can probably even imagine as long as we believe and do not ask outside of his will (Mark 21:22 & James 4:3). We can rest in the fact that our life long partners are either being prepared for us or waiting on us to grow ourselves up enough to have a thriving marriage truly made in heaven! So what are you waiting for? Get to work!!!
Here’s to a purposeFULL life!
Court

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Single and lonely (part 2)…

Six ways to combat the feeling of loneliness…
1. Learn to depend on Him: Don’t call that friend, turn on the television or go to the mall to make yourself feel better or be around people. If you try to numb, ignore or tune out your loneliness it will most likely still be there after you get off the phone, the TV show is over or you finish shopping. Instead, work it out with just you and God, pick up your bible or read your bible verses that you wrote out for times like these.
2. Have an attitude of gratitude: I know that this is quite cliché, but it works wonders! When you focus on the things that are right in your life you don’t have much time to focus on what’s wrong. The majority of the time you will realize you are more blessed than not. Even though you may not have a significant other at this time, there may be other people that God has placed in your life to love on, so be grateful for them!
3. Get it out: Allow yourself to feel the frustration of loneliness, cry, write about your feelings and pray to God about your situation, then get quite before Him and listen for a response. Give your loneliness to God; He knows how to heal your brokenness.
4. Adjust your focus: God tells us to focus on things eternal and not seen (2Corinthinans 4:18), in the long run those are the things that will prove to be important. Instead of focusing on us and what our flesh wants in the right here and now, focus on why God may have you in this situation to benefit the kingdom. Could it be to have time to help others, volunteer, start or help in a ministry, write a book or just to become a better you?
5. Think of the alternative: In my times of loneliness I think of what my life could have been like had God given me my hearts desires in the past when I wasn’t ready. For me, I could have married my first boyfriend but I’m quite sure it would have been a horrible marriage. Think of the ways God has saved you and what He kept you from instead of focusing on what you believe He may be withholding. He wants you happy and you deserve the best, His best. Hopefully, you believe that’s worth the wait.
6. Feelings are fickle: Realize that what you feel is just a feeling and most feelings are fickle. Usually, most feelings soon leave for another. You won’t feel this way for the rest of your life, maybe even the rest of day. Rely on what you know to be truth, that God is not a man that he will not lie and that he fulfills His promises (Numbers 23:19). Know that this too shall pass.

I truly hope this helps someone in their time of loneliness!
Here’s to a purposeFULL life
Court

Jeremiah 17:9 – The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?

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Single and lonely (part 1)…

If I can be totally transparent, I am 36, childless, and single. LIFE GET’S LONELY! I try my hardest not to compare my situation to anyone else’s and hold on to the faith that God will fulfill my desires of a family, but at times I stumble. This evening as I was sitting in bed working on my book a good friend called. She began updating me on her Fourth of July weekend events, mishaps and adventures with her family and as she was speaking a wave of sadness washed over me. I tried to remain totally focused on what she was saying but no matter how much I tried to suppress them all types of thoughts began to pester me during the conversation. The main one being, will I ever have a family of my own? This thought I knew was of the devil and had to be taken captive immediately. I was being double minded in my thoughts, I doubted God and His will for my life, in which case I would receive nothing! (James 1:6)
I write this with tears in my eyes, because I truly do long to hear the sound of tiny feet running down the hall and have a wonderful husband to snuggle up with on nights like this when storm clouds are forming in the sky. But I have to learn to accept my portion in life at this time and be content with all the beautiful things God has given me. In times like this, I have to make an effort to remind myself that I have a wonderfully family, supportive and loving parents, great dogs, a freedom in life that I truly enjoy and a bed all to myself! Usually after saying a prayer and focusing on the things I love about my life I feel sooooo much better. In the past I have been in a place where I allowed the fog of loneliness to linger and I know that if it does it will draw me in more and more until it becomes despair and eventually depression. I have to believe in God’s promises to me, he promised me anything that I ask, if I believe (Matt 7:7).
One thing I have learned through my studies is that God wants to capture our hearts more than any man in this world. He doesn’t want us to hurt, be lonely or sad in the time He is taking to mature us past this point but there may be some growing pains. Fight through it and trust in Him. My advice is to get verses of scripture that can speak to your heart in times of loneliness. Write them on note cards or save them in the notes section of your phone, as long as you have them on hand when the time comes. One of my favorites is Proverbs 3:5-6. From my experience, if you make God the love of your life, you will love this life so much more regardless of your relationship status!
Here’s to a purposeFULL life
Court
Matthew 6:33 – But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Court

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Single Sister Series…

Although I don’t know much about being married, I could write the book on being single or worse the perpetual girlfriend! I am starting a short series on singleness and some of my stories of singlehood today. As I learn what it means to be in a committed relationship, to love a man in the way that Jesus commanded and how he is to love me (Ephesians 5:22-33, Matthew 19:2-9); I can honestly see why my past relationships have failed. Although I don’t have all the answers my hope is to help women as they go through the dating (and even better courting) phase of life.

God Bless
Court