Category Archives: dating & relationships

Six signs you aren’t ready to be the queen to his king…

There are some signs in a person’s character that exhibit emotional immaturity and many of them don’t do well to preserve a healthy relationship.  How do I know?  Because I’m basically an expert on what not to do in a relationship as I have caught myself doing most of the things listed below.   Getting past these issues means being mindful of their presence and  consistently doing the difficult work to better yourself.  There are eighty year olds I know who aren’t ready to be in a committed healthy relationship (I’m so serious)  so maturity has little to do with age.  We can catch ourselves acting out or using some of the ploys I list below at any age and many times to a mature godly man they will serve as red flags to hit the road and never look back!  If you notice them in yourself or are trying to better yourself, don’t berate yourself just make a conscious effort to do better and with time you will.

1.  Temper tantrums:  Need I say more, if you still pout, whine, throw things and cry etc when you don’t get your way then you are basically employing the tactics of a two-year old to shift the odds in your favor.   Temper tantrums aren’t cute on a 5-year-old, let alone a 25 or 35 year-old woman.  Instead they are sure signs of mental and spiritual immaturity and that you’ve got some growing up to do before entering an adult relationship.Weeping Woman On Floor  

2. Manipulative tactics: it’s all about you and what you want and you’ll use whatever tricks are necessary to get it.   Using sex, tears or withholding affection to get your desired outcome are all manipulation tactics. Trying to get over on someone who cares for you is unfair, will cause a lack of trust and is seriously just plain trifling.  If he is a mature man he will likely grow tired of your games and leave you to play with the boys. fake tears

3. Unfair fighting:  If you use your words as weapons during arguments to inflict as much pain as possible without actually coming to blows then you don’t argue fairly.  Do you make snide remarks or throw other men in his face when he doesn’t do things your way? Do you kick him when he’s down, can’t find work or makes mistakes? A man needs respect and honor (which is basically a fancy word for more respect) from his mate. It’s sometimes easier to be mean than to choose support, gentleness or kindness but think about the long-term damage as opposed to trying to get back at them in that moment.  As women, we can sometimes have a quick tongue that can shoot venom fire balls at will and since we usually know exactly what buttons to push it’s easy to hurt a man’s pride.  Even if you’re angry always remember that sometimes the tude is unnecessary and you and your partner are on the same team! beyonce tude

4. Unwillingness to compromise:  You won’t take no for an answer, everything has to be your way or the highway & the word compromise has no place in your vocabulary.  Everyone wants what they want when they want it, but most mature adults know (and accept) the fact that they won’t always get everything in their timing.  I speak from experience because I can be as spoiled as they come and have to keep watch on this part of my character.  It’s a very selfish and self-centered way to go about life and relationships of any kind, especially a marriage as they are all about giving and taking and giving some more.  Getting to a point of being okay with compromise or actually not getting your way takes growth and loads of it, but it’s worth it to have a happy, healthy relationship. tamar gif

5. Uncontrollable emotions:  Have you ever watched the show Bridezillas and wondered how some of these women were able to date and marry someone?  Although a lot of their actions are extreme (and hopefully for the cameras), I’ve found myself thinking just that; and my next thought is usually ‘at least I’m not that bad’.  But the truth is I could very much resemble some of the women just to a lesser extent.  Yes, hormones are real but if you can’t (or won’t) try to purposefully control your emotions and consequently your actions, you’re basically like a ticking time ball and no one is going to want to be around when you explode.  The bible put’s it this way: He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.  It compares a person that can’t control themselves to a broken down city without protection, you have no barriers against thieves and looters, mainly the devil who comes to steal, kill and destroy.  In this case you are letting him steal, kill and destroy your partnership. tyra melt down

6. You don’t speak life:  I was raised in a house full of women, I also grew up with an awesome dad in my life but saw him mainly on the weekends and didn’t really get a chance to see what a positive, thriving relationship looked like.  Fast forward to today and I still struggle with not picking out the negatives and things I don’t like a bout a mate in lieu of focusing on the positives and uplifting him for those qualities.  As I’m a grown woman I can no longer use what I didn’t learn during childhood as an excuse for not building up the man in my life  today.  It takes a very conscious effort to focus on the positives and although I haven’t reached Barnabus status yet, I have learned that it is important to speak life into your relationships and situations, he’ll love you all the more for it. jerk

God bless and here’s to a purposeFULL life! Court 🙂

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Single for a reason

Months ago I prayed to God to block the entrance of any man who wasn’t my husband into my life. I was (and still am) seriously done with wasting time in the dating scene. I prayed this prayer soon after my last breakup simply because I was fed up and tired.  Exhausted to be completely honest, exhausted of falling for someone only to realize years into the relationship after I had played wifey, after the cheating, the lies, the games and the fleeting dreams of marriage and a family together that we were never meant to be.  I was tired of trying to make it work with someone who hadn’t even saw value in me to make me his wife. Tired of running into men who although they say they want to do things the God way we still somehow end up in fornication. I went through this process three times during my adult life and although it may not be a lot for some, that was more than enough for me. Granted throughout the years I was no angel in relationships although I never physically cheated I kept ‘friends’ that I knew were interested in me around, I consented to fornication with my boyfriends, feared putting all my eggs into one basket and played the little petty games that many do when dating and ultimately lost.  I suppose I grew most tired of just that, losing, always coming to the end of a relationships feeling as if I had lost a piece of me that I could never get back yet again. It’s exasperating, frustrating and most of all painful, but in my case necessary for me to reach the point where I gave the heartache, the pain and the confusion to God and focused on Him.

In the past if I broke up with someone it wasn’t long before I found another man to keep me occupied while I nursed the wounds of a broken heart.  While we wouldn’t have sex I would allow myself to form an emotional attachment with them or go out just so I wouldn’t think about my ex. Neither of these were the right thing to do, because as I wouldn’t think about the pain or loneliness while I was out having fun but it was always waiting for me at home. I wasn’t fulfilled with these outings and grew to understand that I would never be, because what I wanted was so much more than an empty relationship. Although a couple of the men wanted to take it further and date seriously, something always held me back from progressing. There was no peace in the thought of spending a lifetime with them and if I couldn’t see that then I didn’t want anything more. Ultimately I would find something I didn’t like about them so I could easily keep my distance while still going out and having fun without delving too deeply into feelings even if they had them for me, basically I was led them on, which was so wrong.

Since praying the ‘anti-counterfeit’ prayer and becoming more purposeful in who I choose to spend time with, my dating life has been, shall we say, pretty nonexistent.  I have turned down dates by men that I know aren’t for me and old familiar faces have popped up every now and then but I choose to focus on my growth at this point in my life and devote time to having a stable foundation with God while still having a ball doing life.  I live my life and try to appreciate living it solo, as there may be a time when I long for the solitude I have now. I am able to travel to different places, have fun with friends, meet new people, become more involved with the church and try to simply enjoy the days as they come. There are moments of loneliness, but I realize they are just moments and the feeling passes when I remember that I am single for a reason. My reason no longer consist of bettering myself for a husband that may or may not ever show up, but becoming the woman God wants me to be, to form a deeper relationship with Him, to grow in faith and to hear His voice so clearly that I have no doubt when He whispers which way I should go. I long for a relationship like that with God and if being unattached is what brings me closer to Him then I would have it know other way.

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God Bless,

Court

But you say she’s just a friend

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The creation of security within the boundaries of a relationship should be a major priority between partners.  When this security is breached or not given the attention due it allows distrust, doubt and anger to creep through the door and settle into your relationship.  I was with someone who had a lot of friends, particularly of the female persuasion.  The issue wasn’t the gender of some of his friends but more so the way the relationships were presented and handled at least in my eyes, I’m sure he would beg to differ.  When I brought this to his attention, his stance on the issue was that they were my insecurities to deal with and had nothing to do with him.   I wasn’t completely sold on his position, but did partially agree as I believe my personal insecurities within myself are totally my responsibility to work on.  But insecurities felt in the relationship that were based on things he did or said had more than a little to do with him and vice versa.  I will admit that I may have over reacted slightly to all of his female friends initially, as I allowed my past experiences to guide my thinking many times in the relationship, but none the less I had some real concerns.

My ex had one female friend in particular, let’s call her Fern, that sent my cheating radar into alarm mode.  Granted I never found out they were anything more than friends but the entire situation didn’t sit well with me.  He initially told me they were just friends, but I found out later that they had been in a sexual relationship years prior, he still had photos and video of her in his phone, would pick her up from work and he texted or talked to her constantly.  When I began acting suspicious, I was made out to be the irrationally jealous girlfriend that just didn’t want him to have any friends, which wasn’t true at all, I just didn’t want the secrets that came along with these relationships.  This led to me looking at his other relationships with a bit more side in my eye because I wondered about what else he was hiding.  I’m not really the type to have a huge issue with my boyfriend having friends of the opposite sex as I do as well.  But I am a huge proponent of knowing exactly where the relationship stands and expect honesty.  If you are having similar concerns, I would suggest speaking to your significant other, communicating your concerns and ask them to do the following four things then watch for changes.

1. Be open and honest:  Had my ex disclosed the fact that he and this woman were more than friends in the past I may not have had such an issue with their friendship, but I felt that pertinent parts of their relationship were kept from me purposely and it made me extremely suspicious.  I understand that the past is the past and had their relationship remained in the past then fine, but she was still in his present.  You shouldnt have to feel as if you are being naggy because you ask questions about a relationship if they be reasonable and it shouldn’t be like pulling teeth to get a truthful answer.  Honesty should always be extended in regards to legitimate concerns. Relationships are all about communication, if one party feels as if that communication is one-sided it will only cause them to shut down, leave or continue the relationship in doubt, which only ends badly.

2.  Include you: if your partner and this person truly are ‘just friends’   they shouldn’t have an issue including you in their discussions or outings if that’s something you’re comfortable with.  When you enter into a serious commitment, the dynamics of your other relationships are bound to change and not necessarily for the worse, who knows you could gain a new friend out of the deal.  There were times when if I was at my ex’s house and he got a call from someone who asked what he was doing, his responses would never include me, except for with certain people in his life.  He was very selective about who knew we were together and who didn’t and I believe that Fern happened to fall into the latter category.  Had I been included in their discussions I would have felt somewhat more comfortable and not as if he was hiding the fact that we were together from her.

3. Be present: If your significant other spends tons of time on the phone or texting their friends everytime you are together, you’re bound to feel slightly neglected or at least slighted in some way, unless you’re doing the same.  I can recall a time when we were watching a movie together and he was constantly texting Fern.  Instead of focusing on our quality time he was focused on her, telling her how she would like the movie, sending memes and other messages but when I got upset and called him out about it, he saw nothing wrong with his actions.

4. Put themselves in your shoes:  I’m sure if the shoe was on the other foot, your significant other would feel some type of way, unless they really don’t care.  Unfortunately, I often learn from making mistakes and am a pro at playing tit for tat and I began doing many things to spite him.  Many of the things he did, I became guilty of and them some. Since he would constantly chat with his female friends, I began to engage more and more with my male friends (some of who I knew wanted more than a friendship), I would talk to them constantly, go out with them and entertain talk that I probably shouldn’t have.  It got to the point where I would actually be on my phone more than he was when we were together towards the end of our relationship.  This is not, I repeat not the correct way to let someone know you want them to know what you feel.  This only created a deeper divide between us, it was childish and unnecessary because it exacerbated the real issues we had.

Hope this helps someone!

God Bless,

Court

Five things a man should see in you, besides your beauty

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I go to a singles bible study every now and then and an acquaintance, let’s call him Franco, started attending as a result of me telling him how much I enjoy the studies.  One day Franco informed me that he didn’t really need singles bible study because he already knew who he was going to marry and after a couple of minutes of going back and forth he revealed that his wife to be was me.  Now, I’m not the type of woman who buys something most people are selling especially if it doesn’t add up.  In this case, we had known each other for about a year, weren’t dating and I had made it known we most likely would go no further than a friendship.  Since I tend to question everything, this was no different and I asked him what about me made him think I was the one?  His answer immediately turned on my ‘game running alarms’ as he informed me that I was the proud owner of the three B’s: beauty, brains and booty to which I promptly chuckled while mentally incorporating a forth ‘B’, the boot!   If a man is unable to tell me why he wants to be with me or has trouble pulling out a couple of specific character qualities that make me special to him it’s an issue.  If he can’t do these things in my view he isn’t paying attention or truly invested in me as a person enough to get to know my core, especially if he claims to love me or would discuss something as serious as marriage.  This scenario made me give much thought to some of the qualities a mate should be able to recognize, appreciate and honor within your relationship beside your beauty and booty!

Your value: Regardless of whether you’re dating, courting, engaged or married your significant other should be able to clearly recognize the value that you bring to his life.  Throughout proverbs, wisdom is characterized as a female and in Proverbs 31 we see what makes up an excellent woman or wife.  In the bible it states that a man who seeks wisdom will be blessed, just as a man who finds a wife is blessed.  It also states that wise words and wisdom are more valuable than rubies, just as a woman of noble character is more precious than rubies.  I say this to make the comparison to the value of wisdom and that of a noble wife.  The word wisdom appears in the bible over 200 times and we are told in Proverbs 4 that obtaining wisdom is a principal thing; And although the bible is speaking of wisdom, verses 6-9 could seriously read as a guide-book for having a very happy wife and hence life.  If there are so many similarities between the attainment of wisdom with all its importance and that of the rare and noble wife then it is fair to say that you are quite valuable in God’s eyes and should be in your significant other’s as well.  In 1 Peter 3:7 husbands are told to live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.   If a man does not show understanding and honor to his wife his prayers could be hindered.  Meaning the way a man treat’s his wife is directly correlated to the way God treat’s his prayers!   That’s just how serious God is about the treatment of his daughters by their husbands and truly shows the value of a virtuous woman.

Your Irreplaceableness:  In the middle of an argument, I had an ex-boyfriend tell me that he could go out tomorrow and find another  ‘good girl’ just like me.  Aside from the fact that he called me a girl, the comment made me cringe because I felt like after all the time of us dating my worth to him boiled down to the fact that I had a steady job, was smart and pretty.  Like he could just go to the girlfriend store and tell the manager ‘this one didn’t fit I need another one of the same model’.  His statement didn’t encompass any of the attributes that made me who I was internally, it didn’t entertain the uniqueness of my laugh, my penchant for singing loudly off-key in the shower or my quirky sense of humor, it only focused on the external which in essence could actually be easily replaced.  Thank God for instilling me with enough confidence to know that although he may find someone else quickly, there was no way on God’s green earth he would run across another me.  If you look at the beginning of Proverbs 31:10, it begins with a question, ‘Who can find a virtuous woman?’  Since it’s in question form I immediately think that maybe this virtuous woman isn’t so easily found and while there are many, many women in the world to choose from, this particular woman is actually quite rare.  We all have qualities that make us irreplaceable to that special someone and if we model ourselves after virtuous women in the bible we become the one in a million that God so highly speaks of.  If your significant other is unable to see how irreplaceable you are maybe you need to take a trip to the boyfriend store and get an upgrade!

Your equality: Granted, men and women have very different roles within the boundaries of marriage, the fact that the wife chooses to submit to her husband as the head in marriage does not make her input, opinions or suggestions any less valuable or her role any less important.  In the bible it states that women are the weaker vessels, but it also states that the men are to honor her as a result of it.  Women are afforded the same salvation, grace, forgiveness and love promised to men.  Galatians 3:28 puts it this way: There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

Your intelligence:  I suppose one out of three isn’t bad in Franco’s defense as brains was one of his three B’s, but a man should love your brain long before he’s made love to your body.   Dating without fornication is a great time to get to know someone without the would be distractions of physical sex.  I regret the fact that I delved into sexual relationships with boyfriends in the past because it got in the way of us getting to truly know each other at times.  Hopefully, your mate enjoys having conversations with you, hearing your points of view and heeding your advice if it be wise.  Speaking from experience, if you have a long-term mate that is constantly dismissive of your views or rarely seeks your advice on pertinent issues in his life you may have a long, hard road a head, especially if you decide to marry him.  In Proverbs 31 we see that the virtuous woman speaks with wisdom, she is hard-working and doesn’t worry during seasons of winter because she was smart enough to prepare ahead of time.  I can bet she was one of her husbands main confidants and counselors as it tells us that his heart safely trusted in her.  So release your inner nerd and let your geek flag fly, the man meant for you will only love you all the more for it!

Your God: A man who knows you, should be able to see the God in you through your daily interactions together and optimally, in turn, will encourage growth in your relationship with God.  It could become extremely problematic if you set your standards as a child of God and he continually attempts to cross those boundaries.   If he constantly tries to get you into bed, take things further than you would like, speaks to you in a mean, harsh or vulgar way, disrespects you or treats you anything less than a lady he definitely doesn’t recognize or at the most respect the God within you.

God bless
Court

Looking back…

There are times when you may want to look back at a relatonship from the past, especially if that person pops up in your present.  Which, unfortunately usually happens right when you are almost but not completely over them.  You may find yourself thinking about them, wondering what could have been or how things should have gone.   You wonder if it was really love and if it’s possible to reconcile.  But while you’re thinking about this I would urge you to think about the qualities that caused you to break up in the first place and why you are attempting to cut ties with this person now.  Letting go isn’t easy, but sometimes it is very necessary.

You may want to hold on, but if that person has made it clear they are moving on or throwing mixed signals it’s best for your heart to keep it moving, no matter how difficult.  I’ve made the mistake of sticking around where I wasn’t wanted before.  I stuck around because he would text me every now and then thus keeping my hopes up, but I’m sure he was just comfortable and wanted me around until he found someone else (as he told me he was definitely going to date other people).  The best thing to do in this situation in my opinion is to cut ties even if it take several tries.
By doing this you are respecting and honoring yourself as well as allowing space in your life for the man of your dreams to walk right through the door.  Because think about it, if that person truly was for you, they would have been there for you.  The right person will love you past your faults, not fault you for being human… I say all this to say, don’t look back. Keep moving forward!  Just a little (almost) midweek inspiration 😉

Court

  

Without the ring

Bridal portrait.

When you’re dating sometimes the lines between acting as a girlfriend and a wife without a ring can get quite blurry. I’m not speaking exclusively of sex, but also the simple things that as nurturing women we want to do for our significant others. Oftentimes we don’t recognize that we are giving husband privileges to a boyfriend that hasn’t earned them. Although the bible gives us a glimpse of a godly wife, there are no hard and fast rules about biblical girlfriend-hood.  I’ve been in a relationship where it seemed the guy wanted me to be his wife in every aspect except the vows, the license and the ring.  Amongst other things, he wanted submission and of course sex, but wasn’t quite ready to take that walk down the aisle and I perpetuated it by allowing it to continue.  Many times we choose to believe words that hold the promise of a ring instead of believing the actions that ultimately will sell a person out.  I’ve learned a few things while in long term relationships (6, 7 and 3 years), so here are five big rewards or acts that in my opinion should be reserved for a husband that actually put a ring on it and not just a promise to do so.

  1. Sex: This is an obvious but extremely important point. The direction to flee fornication may oftentimes seem more like a punishment than the gift it is. I know from personal experience I cannot have sex with someone without becoming attached because for me there must be a deep connection already woven into the relationship. Unfortunately, through premarital sex I’ve formed unhealthy soul ties in the past with boyfriends because I thought it was okay since we would one day be married. Had I used the wherewithal to wait on God’s best and until marriage to take our relationship to the next level this may not have been an issue and I could have saved myself a lot of heart ache, disappointments and stress.
  2. Household responsibilities: In my twenties I lived with my boyfriend and found myself playing house every since then, simply because I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. I recently had a guy tell me (yes, tell me) that I would have to make him dinner because he wanted to make sure I could cook.  Now, when I want to, I can be a culinary (crockpot) guru, but have grown to a maturity level where proving my cooking skills to some random isn’t in my realm of desires.  I am eager however to cook for my husband and ensure that he enjoys every bite. In fact I have begun to cook more at home in an effort to add meals to my repertoire.  Things like cooking regular meals, ironing (which I despise anyway, a spray bottle filled with water and a dryer are my best friends), cleaning and other household chores are reserved for my home, if there happens to be a husband in it then he will definitely reap those rewards. If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, that’s great news, because the only man’s heart I want is my husbands and he is the only one I want to cook (or order) dinner for every night!
  3. Changing churches: In past serious relationships, the issue has not been that we are unequally yoked concerning being Christian, but that we weren’t attending the same church. I don’t see much purpose in changing my church home until God has spoken to us and we are actually on the road to marriage. I do plan to attend my future husband’s church for counseling reasons and to be of equal accord, it just isn’t necessary while dating. The idea didn’t sit right with me the big one being because I wouldn’t feel comfortable in the case of the relationships demise; and If I based my decision about a church on who I’m dating at the time there’s a possibility that I would be a consistent church hopper.  If you are seeking a church home or already attend the same church those are very different circumstances.
  4. Combining finances:  I usually refrain from even discussing specifics about my finances (or his) early on in a relationship including what I make or what I have in savings.  Also, I have never been asked, but cosigning (read proverbs) on things or mixing finances would not occur while dating, joint bank accounts are reserved for marriage in my eyes. I do however think it extremely important to discuss how you each spend money, is his style thrifty or frivolous, does he save money regularly, are bills paid on time, is he in debt and vice versa. It’s been noted that many marriages fail due to monetary differences or struggles, knowing these types of things prior to engagement is crucial.
  5. Submission: Submission is intertwined into many aspects of our lives even if we choose not to see it. As a child you submit to your parents and as an adult to a boss, coach, pastor or another head. The bible tells us that as wives we are also to submit to our husband as unto the Lord.  That being said, I have yet to read where it states a girlfriend is to submit to her boyfriend, if you find it let me know!  Even though we may practice submission daily as brothers and sisters in Christ, until we have become one under God I would not consider any one I’m dating my headship.  As a single woman I submit to God and am still under the umbrella of my earthly and heavenly fathers.  I would however, expect him to exhibit leadership qualities and to have respect for the decisions he makes in his own life.

Just my two cents 😊

God Bless and here’s to a purposeFULL life!

Court

Through the flames

I got a text from my ex yesterday, that although it shouldn’t have, caused me a great deal of sadness.  I think it’s because it solidified the fact that we weren’t getting back together, and although I thought I had totally let go, there was this little piece of me that was still holding on.  While we were dating, I honestly thought he was the one, we discussed marriage, having a family, and he told me (although I never saw it) that he had gone ring shopping.  I thought he was the man who God had for me and we were going to live happy together for the rest of our days.  Unfortunately, there was a curve ball thrown and that didn’t turn out to be the case.

I won’t go into detail about the text but it was enough to send me running back to feeling as if we had broken up more recently and there was such an internal pain that it was almost crippling.   I didn’t want to see or deal with anyone, but since I received the text in the middle of doing something I had to push on and wait to open the flood gates until I got into my car and a safe distance away from the building.  I confused myself, because  I was dealing, coping or at least I thought I was until I found myself falling back into the anguish of sadness that seemed to come out of no where and so quickly that it was impossible to dodge.  I fell back into questioning the things that happened, wondering if I had made the right decisions. I found myself questioning God, asking Him if I would ever have love, did I miss my chance and why am I here yet again?  I found myself holding onto heartache more than happiness as I dwelled on the fact that I was 37 and without prospects.  I wondered if I would have to do the rest of my life without a mate and if so could I be okay with that?  I forgot to remind myself that just because I didn’t see big things on the horizon, doesn’t mean they aren’t there.  Since, I’d been here before in my twenties I knew that if I stayed one of two things that would happen.  1. I would fall deeper and deeper into sadness and eventually depression and 2.  I would  fall further and further away from Christ.  So I prayed and prayed some more between sobs.  It was a long sleepless night of guarding my tongue against words the enemy would have me speak over my life and asking God for strength, faith and vision to see beyond this point in my life and also for contentment while in the season.

Today after almost two months of my ex and I officially parting ways, I let go.  It was difficult, because I wanted to hold on, but I deleted the numbers, emails and text.  I released the dreams of meeting him at the end of the aisle on our wedding day and us growing old and wrinkly together.  I let it all go, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt, it means that through the pain I must hold on to the faith that all things will work together for both of our goods and release the fear that it won’t.  It is not a fire of consumption but of cleansing, so I have to thank Him even while walking through the flames.

Whatever your issue is, if you find yourself taking a couple of steps back, remember it’s normal.  Blame it on our humanity.  No one and no situation is perfect, some days it’s easy to roll with the punches and sometimes you feel like you got knocked off of your feet.  Fight the good fight and remember God is there for you, He will help you, believe that.

God Bless
Court

Isaiah 41:10 – Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  (ESV)

1 Peter 5:7 – Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (ESV)

Genesis 2:18 – Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” (ESV) – God will bring someone great into our lives if it is His will, he made us for companionship.

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Giving up on love

Love always endures is what 1 Corinthians 13 tells us, but when you come to the end of a romantic relationship that has been torn apart by carless words and actions you have to wonder is it always true?  After getting to know someone for months or years they can become so entrenched in your life that when it’s all over and done there’s a crater sized void in your heart and a million questions in your head.  Where did the dreams, the joy and the love go?  Your norm was hearing from them or spending time with them daily, consistently loving, laughing and living with them.  You shared visions of a future, meals and tv shows together.  So, when it all comes to an abrupt halt and you have to make the choice to live in your new norm of doing life alone, everything in you may fight against it.  For most it is a hurt that you never want to feel again.  At some point we all desire to throw in the towel and build that wall of protection around our hearts, brick by tedious brick.  After all, if you never allowed love in again, you wouldn’t feel the sting of another failed relationship, the foolishness of falling for an unfaithful partner, or the ordeal of placing your heart in someone else’s hands only to have them leave or abuse that trust.  Trust me, I know how you feel.

Break ups are akin to going through withdrawals.  You miss that familiar connection and there are periods of ups and downs where you may be looking forward to meeting someone new but then again you miss the comfort of them terribly.  You may be happy one minute and crying like a baby the next, emotions (and hormones) are strong things.  Some of us may do a better job at controlling how we deal with emotions but they come with being human, so allow yourself to feel and grieve the loss of the relationship.  These feelings will persist until they are no longer a part of you, until there is no twinge in your stomach when their name is mentioned or sting of regret when you see them.  But be grateful for the fact that there is an until because the feelings you have for them will change and eventually your heart will heal and won’t beat for that person.  You just have to go through the healing process.   Truthfully, it sucks and hurts like hell, but the wholeness that you receive on the other side is well worth it.  The most difficult part is letting them go, while holding on to the hope of everything that love brings.  Let go of the what if’s because they were just dreams and embrace the reality of a bright future and new loves. Let go of the you that wasn’t your best with them and embrace self-improvement through retrospection and diligent work.  Most importantly let go of the lies Satan will tell you of how you will never find true love and embrace the truth in God’s promises, that He will never leave nor forsake you and will always love you.

We throw the word love around today as if it were some flimsy, obscure, meaningless word, but there is power in our words and strength that comes with confessing that you will trust God’s plan for your love life, even in it’s absence.  God is love and our charge is to love each other as siblings in Christ, point blank.  Ultimately I believe that the type of love you have for the person must shift from Eros to Agape. It may take a while to come around, but forgive them, pray for them, genuinely wish them the best and take your lessons like a boss so that you become better not bitter.  Ask God to soften your heart and reveal and heal any hardened parts so that you don’t block your blessings when your chance to show love comes back around, because ultimately it will.

Don’t give up on love, it always trusts, always hopes and always endures.  Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:7-8)

God bless
Court

Holy Shift

I have a beautiful wardrobe if I do say so myself and I collect shoes as if I’m gearing up to open a mini Macy’s.  But after taking inventory of my internal status I’ve noticed that over the years I’ve collected some pretty ugly qualities.  I’ve added some bad habits, stored a bunch of negativity, indulged in a little moodiness, picked up some double mindedness and threw in a bit of emotional instability just for good measure.  In other words my heart isn’t always so pretty.  Now, I’m always roughest on myself and I have taken tremendous strides in my walk with Christ but I still have a looooong way to go.  I can quickly throw the fruits of the spirit out the window and revert to my former ways of pessimism, not speaking in love or sinning in anger at the drop of a hat if things don’t go my way.

Today I had lunch with two girlfriends, one is recently engaged and the other has been married for years and they have just decided to enlarge their family.  As we updated each other on life events, marriage, babies, trips etc it came around to me.  I eagerly discussed some of the exciting things occurring in my life that I’m extremely grateful for including a new home.  I was genuinely happy for them but once I got home I began to reflect on where my life was headed and wondered if I would ever have something as monumental as an engagement to the man God had for me or the arrival of my first child to divulge.  Quickly God answered,  He asked me why I thought He should bring my husband right now when I’m a mess inside?  I realize no one is perfect and after marriage and motherhood some flaws remain, but I could work on preparing  myself a lot more than I have been.  Yes, I have a house, but my finances are shot because of poor credit card choices in the past, I’ve held on to soul ties from previous relationships, my emotions can be all over the place and in times of anger I allow them to lead me instead of the Holy Spirit.  I also get easily irritated by small things like slow drivers or my dog’s barking and I throw spiritual temper tantrums when I don’t get my way.  I’m still eating that mushy baby food and sometimes God has to revert to milk with me.  I wonder if the angels look down on me shaking their heads wondering if I’ll ever learn and just how many times do I want to make my way around this same old mountain!

If you are eager to have a significant other, a child or some other life altering event, have you checked yourself lately?  Would God ask you why He should oblige when you aren’t ready to receive the blessing?  I guess, if I look at it from Gods’ point of view I am a little happy that He hasn’t given me my way because I would definitely ruin a great thing.  One of the women in my small groups bible study was speaking on the talk she had with God about a month prior to meeting her husband.  She asked God for one of His son’s and God told her she had to be His daughter first.  Meaning, she would have to forgo focusing on a man and focus on The Man, Jesus! Shifting your entire focus isn’t easy to do when people around you are getting married or popping out babies like candy dispensers while you sit alone watching your biological clock speedily tick, tick, tick away.  It’s difficult, especially when the world, from your doctor to strangers on the street (yes this has happened to me) are constantly attempting to instill the fear of perpetual singleness into you.   I consistently pray for freedom from people bondage because honestly there are so many other things to focus on, the main one being God’s will.  I’ve given up trying to shift my focus on my own because it doesn’t work and have since started praying that God changes my thoughts and keeps my hand’s off the wheel.  After all, He is the one with the directions! Be blessed & live purposeFULLy Court